Oh man is Cynthia going to be PISSED

You have all probably heard about my least favorite ball player (maybe bad phrase here) getting caught last night "hitting a home run" with a Canadian stripper after losing to the Blue Jays. If not, you can read about it here. I mean after a tough loss, who doesn't go out for a nice steak with a few friends, throw back a drink or two, hit a strip club, and then invite one of the ladies back to discuss his hitting slump? It really could be the case, look at the lady's arms! Shouldn't SHE be hitting clean-up for the Yanks? Wait, maybe SHE is dragging HIM back to her hotel room? Do you think he could stop her?

Now, I don't condone this type of behavior from a married man and the poor guy may lose his hotty wife Cynthia because of this (shown below with Alex and, um, Regis Philbin), but this may be the best thing to ever happen to this poor slugger.

What Alex needs is a shake up in his pretty boy persona. Something the New York fans can cling to when he goes through his annual slumps. What could be better than A-Rod getting divorced, exceptionally bitter, maybe throw in a drinking problem, and then hitting the NY singles scene like it's a hanging curve? Maybe he and Jeter really will reconcile and become the best 1-2 wingman combo in history. If this happens, I may just have to take him off my list of players who I would enjoy pushing into an under-fed crocodile pit during mating season.

If this happens A-Rod will be fine, his wife will be fine, and even their 2 1/2 year old kid will be fine. I am guessing that Day-Care-Rod has a worse Father Of The Year score than I do, so what's the downside here?

You learn something every day

We got back our reupholstered sofa today, which looks awesome. It really does. And I learned some really cool trivia too along the way:

What do you think costs more?

(a) Reupholstering your sofa
(b) Buying a nice NEW sofa
(c) Buying three nice new sofas
(d) Making a bonfire of $100 bills to heat a village for a fortnight in the dead of winter

Text your answer to ###EAD.

This week in Sea Town

This could have been one of the best weeks EVER for the city of Seattle.

Yes, we notched yet ANOTHER world championship on Tuesday. We now have something else to put in the cabinet next to the 1979 Sonics Trophy:

Oh no? Ooooh yeah. Two-time Olympic gold medalist and Seattle Native Anton OHNO takes home ANOTHER gold by winning Dancing With the Stars this week! You would think that this in itself would qualify this as the best week ever in Sea Town, but there's more:

On Wednesday, the Seattle area phenom Blake the Beat Boxer showed class in taking second in this season's AMERICAN IDOL! Trust me, he'll sell more records than ole big lungs there anyway. But that's not ALL!

A bunch of ping pong balls and maybe a little David Stern magic gave the struggling franchise Supersonics the second overall pick in the upcoming NBA Draft! It's not the Greg Oden pick, but it IS the Kevin Durant pick, and THAT my friends is something that will make the citizens of Oklahoma City VERY happy some day. Actually, it's unlikely events like this that might just snowball together and save our little NBA team in this town.



And on top of ALL of this... drum roll please...

Richie Sexson had a base hit with runners in scoring position. Like I said, BEST WEEK EVER.

F.O.T.Y.

So if there was a Father of the year award given, and it was based on a tally of this year's points, I think my year-to-date score would look something like:

F.O.T.Y. Scoreboard:

Took both kids to the aquarium (+ 5 points)
Didn't notice Ry had a full diaper a few weeks ago (- 3 points)
Made up a song for Charlotte that she really liked (+ 2 points)
Clean up the dishes most days (+ 10 points)
Let Kara sleep in on Mother's day (push)
Wash bottles most days (+5 points)
Threw up the morning after St. Patrick's day (-10,000 points)
Change about 2.2 diapers a day on average (+8 points)
Attended a 1-hour lecture on "potty training" (+ 100 points)

Total points to date: -9,873

I will keep you posted.

Musings of a Dad Man II

Things I never knew before I had kids (in-depth study):

"Burp Cloth"

A burp cloth is a piece of fabric that is approximately 6 inches wide and 1 foot long. These are almost always on hand for about the first 12 months of a baby's existence to wipe up their "burps". Babies pretty much leak all the time. As a parent, you have to stop them up with things like burp cloths and diapers to avoid them staining the furniture. I think the word "Burp Cloth" was used because it sounds a load better than "Vomit Cloth".

Happy 30 Darth

Star Wars turns 30 this year, which must mean I turn a little more than 30. I thought my family had the biggest star wars fans that I knew of. The movies always opened on my older bro's birthday, on May 25th and mom took us out of school for the openings of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. I have to say though that buddy "Bo" is the only person I know, other than maybe George Lucas, who has been to the openings of all SIX star wars movies, PLUS the re-releases of IV, V, and VI. Just exceptional work. This anniversary is a good reminder that these films were and are a HUGE deal to many people.

In celebration of turning 30, people are doing some pretty cool things:

A hot air balloon in the shape of Darth Vader's helmet takes off on its maiden flight during a hot air balloon festival in Ceroux, Belgium, May 17, 2007. (AP)

The US Postal Service has created an entire line of R2D2 Mail Boxes. There is one up the street from me, and it's awesome. Though it doesn't really look like a mail box and I suspect that it's not used very much. The USPS has also made this celebration legit by creating a line of stamps, and obviously the web site USPSJediMaster.com.

Musings of a Dad Man I

I have had a few kids over the past 2.5 years (OK, 2 kids to be exact) and I have learned a few things. I know a few of my friends have recently had, are soon to have, or may be planning on having some kids of their own. So as a gift to these lucky future dads, I am going to pass on my extremely insightful wisdom to help you through you journey ahead. Now if only any of them read my blog... oh well. For everyone else who probably doesn't give a rats ass, here are the key things that I learned about being a dad to a baby, or two:

- Babies are a lot like hobbits. They are small and eat like 7 times a day

- You will need to learn an entirely new vocabulary. There were words I never new existed 3 years ago. For example: Burp cloth, Dreft, breast pump, Baby Bjorn, and lactation consultant.

- Babies are also a lot like puppies. They will pee/poop anywhere, any time, and they don't like watching sports as much as you wish they did.

- I have no idea why, but girls seem to like puppies, bunnies, ferries, princesses, and wearing dresses. Boys seem to also like puppies, and beating on things.

- There was something about sleep I was going to mention, but I am too damn tired to remember it right now.

- Your wife will go totally ape shit insane during pregnancy. Don't blame them, it's the hormones and sleep deprivation. I have no idea if they ever get better.

- Like the NBA season, babies are pretty useless for 6 months. After that, they can be very entertaining, and worth watching.

- Kids really really really really really really really really really really really dig Christmas.

If you just know these simple things, well, you just might... ummm... carry on exactly as your were.

Wood Times

Having a last name of "Wood" can lead to some funny things that you might not consider. My brother Nate was told every work day when he walked into the office "Morning Wood" by a co-worker, who never knew how funny it was.

I wanted to name our daughter "Leia" after the princess in Star Wars, but you just can NOT name a girl "Leia Wood", it's just awful.

"Tucker" was on our list of names for our son, but uncle John pointed out that "Tuck Wood" is a deal killer.

I told a co-worker the last two dilemmas of naming our kids, and he said, "yeah, that would be like naming your son Richard! DICK WOOD! HA HA HA."

Richard is my Dad's name, and is affectionately called Dick by family and friends.

Our beach cabin on Whidbey Island is called the Drift Wood Inn... Very clever by Grandpa Amos who named the cabin in 1977. The little cabin next door is now known as the Famous Amos Hideaway, and was built by my great grandfather in 1930. Ironically both cabins are made out of wood. (ok, that was dumb, give me a break)

My bro's family blog is called "Wood Times", and my family blog is an obvious rip off called "Woody Times".

I was called Woody by friends in college so often that many friends I considered close had NO idea what me real name was. One asked me once how I got the name "Woody" and I said my last name was "Wood" and he looked at me blankly and said "Woody Wood"? Man, dumb people make the world so much more entertaining.

Speaking of dumb people, a guy named Rick in my fraternity called me "Balsa" becuase I "was soft".

Yippe-ka-wasted

I love the trend of famous dudes showing up hammered on video / TV. Kuddos to Bruce for being curbed enough to swear on TV, and HUGE props to the HOFF for being so over-served that his lawyer had to make a statement the following day.

I mean Bruce is drunk enough to claim that his new Die Hard movie will be better than the first... (Click here to see Bruce) But The HOFF just takes it to a whole new level:

Mexico

Wow, Bingo LOVES Mexico.

[Warning, blatant Bingo Web Page advertisement follows]

Click here for more pictures of Bingo in Mexico.

Cal Pole Vault Recruiting News

I have no idea if this is accurate, I choose to believe it to be so, but per my friend (we'll call him...) Perks, per his buddy whom I have no idea his name, this fine athlete just signed a letter of intent to join the Cal track team next year.

GO BEARS!

She is supposed to be a great vaulter and a valued asset to the team. Great work Cal recruiting.

I now finally understand why my friend Obnoxio has visited Stanfurd for Track and Field events with his girlfriend. I didn't get it until now, but I believe he has been planting the seed to puchase season tickets to Cal Track and Field next season. It may be the most cunning move I have ever seen. Most impressive.

D-Jacked Up

Did I read this right that the SheHawks traded away D-Jack to the F-ing Niners for... a FOURTH ROUND DRAFT PICK? WTF? D-Jack is our best receiver, I don't get it. And inside the division? Was a fourth rounder really the best offer they could get? The only way this makes sense to me is if it's announced that Tim Ruskell has handed over personnel decisions to Bill Bavasi. This has the same feeling of reading "Horacio Ramirez for Rafael Soriano" or "Jeff Weaver for $8.0 million, Yes, THAT Weaver, the BAD one". Rafael is now the closer for Atlanta, and I have no idea why I don't have him on my fantasy team. And ole Jeff is maybe one more inning (assuming he can get through an entire one) from being the wost pitcher on the Tacoma Rainiers.

Although the Sea Chickens DID make up for all that crap by drafting #52 Brandon Mebane in the third round. Hot damn, now THAT was a good move boys. GO BEARS.