Cabbage Soup for your Soul

My wife decided that she was going on the “Cabbage Soup Diet” to jump start the new year. And like Jules in Pulp Fiction, that pretty much means that I’m going on the Cabbage Soup diet to jump start the new year too. So in total support of my wife, with a slight interest in ever having sex again, I joined her in a week long diet sprint known as my:

Seven Days of Hell
and Cabbage

Day 1… Cabbage Soup and Fruit

The first day of this diet was fine. You can do ANYTHING for a day, right? And I was prepared. The night before I had doubled up on dinner; once at my brother’s house when I pigged out on apps during our last and final Christmas gathering. On the drive home I told my wife “well I guess we don’t have to worry about ordering out tonight, since we just had dinner right?” Wife: “What do you mean? I thought we said we were ordering out tonight. I didn’t eat anything”. Me: “Oh right, I’m still hungry. They WERE just apps.” So I had dinner #2 an hour later. The tough part was when 5pm rolled around and I was half way to the scotch cupboard when I realized that I had to make a 180 and hit the Pellegrino. Did I mention the no booze part of this diet? What was I thinking? I am an idiot, that's what I was thinking.

Day 2… Cabbage Soup and Vegetables

Pure hell. I ate veggies straight, for 18 waking hours and was still starving. This was excruciating. No shit this diet will make you lose weight. You basically starve yourself for a week, and eat a fucking soup 24 / 7 made from a known diuretic in cabbage. So not only are you starved, you are dehydrated. Oh yeah, while I was eating celery and tomatoes all day long, I was also pissing like every 20 minutes. How can vegans function in society voluntarily enduring such torture every single day? They must be masochists or something.

Day 3… Cabbage Soup, Fruit, and Veggies

I will exaggerage only slightly and say I feel like I am clinically starved. This was the low point of the diet. Wife declares the diet is over. We have made a severe mistake, let’s order out and cut our losses. I talk her down with a John "Bluto" Blutarsky-esque speech about how life is full of mistakes, but we carry on. Let’s be the idiots that did the Cabbage Soup Diet, not the losers who could not finish the Cabbage Soup Diet. Are you with me!

Day 3 was tough. I felt a little light headed, and weak, but I actually could tell that I was being cleansed a little… ie, I did not have the midday urge to have 3 diet cokes and a coffee.

Day 4…Cabbage Soup, Skim Milk, and Bananas

If nothing else, this diet keeps you guessing. I consumed eight bananas on this day, mostly blended with skim milk and ice, making a delightful smoothie. I didn’t look up if ice was allowed on the diet or not. Yeah that's right, EIGHT bananas.

Day 5… Cabbage Soup, Steak and Tomatoes

THIS is what I’m talking about. I was eating a 12 ounce NY steak at 6:30 AM on Day 5. Holy crap did it taste good. The tough part of the day was the traditional post-tennis trip to Taco Wednesday at the Roanoak that night. $1 Beers $1 Tacos. My F-ing wheelhouse. I was Job, and God was testing me. While my friends were deciding whether to take it easy and stop at 4 tacos or just have 7, I just sat there in sober hunger, repeating my peace mantra to myself so I wouldn’t hurt someone. But I’ll be damned if I wasn’t playing tennis 6 pounds lighter than the week before. Thank GOD it was on steak day, or I would have been too weak to play.

Day 6… Cabbage Soup, Steak, and Vegetables

Jesus, this diet is so confusing. Although I had another steak for lunch, I forgot that it was vegetable day and not fruit day and accidentally ate a piece of pineapple. I guess technically after all of this hard work, I hadn’t followed the diet. DAMN IT.

Day 7… Cabbage Soup, Brown Rice, Fruits, and Veggies

Final day. I can do this. Brown rice never tasted so good. Was this brown rice, or brown heaven? I guess when you are carb starved, even brown rice will feed your soul. Another bowl of soup, a few carrots to go, and I’m done. And yes, the final bowl of soup tasted like vomit to me. I think the 7 days ends at 5pm tonight, so I’ll be the drunk guy covered in delivery pizza, passed out in the corner.

The final tally, I kid you not, was legit. I just weighed in 10 pounds lighter than I weighed the night before I started. Granted, that was the “night of two dinners” night, so my starting point was a little inflated, but still it’s something. I wouldn’t force this diet on my worst enemy, and I have no idea on the long term benefits, but if your goal is to lose the max amount of weight in a week, this could be for you. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.