The Big Cat

There is a list of baseball players that I dislike. I keep this list of players locked away in the dark part of my brain. Now, I don't really hate them in real life, I guess, as I am sure that they are good people and all. I just can not necessarily guarantee that if I came across them in an abandoned fully functioning saw mill and they were chained to one of the logs about to go through that I would FOR SURE hit the "emergency stop" button on the wall.

Usually the guys on this list either screwed up the Mariners in real life (THAT part of the list is long, storied, and usually starts with Alex Rodriguez and includes a lot of other Yankees and Oakland A's, though it's tough to really hate the A's...) or they screwed up my fantasy baseball team either by being terrible for me, or being good for my arch rivals. My arch rivals have won a majority of titles in our league, and are managed by two guys I will again affectionately refer to as "Slim" and "Obnoxio".

In 2005, our fantasy league came down to the final week between A Damn Penguin Car (this was my team, and you can click here for the story of this team name) and the Moron Twins (Slim and Obnoxio's team). Entirely as a fill-in for another injured player (Cliff Floyd?), the Moron Twins picked up Frank Catalanotto for the last week or two of the season, and probably thought nothing of it. But as the holy gleaming smile of God Himself shines on these moron twins, Frank "The Big Cat" Catalanotto finished the 2005 season on an absolute TEAR. That final week of the season he hits .500, picks up an "AL player of the Week" and pushes the Moron Twins to another title. Good for him. Good for them. Frank "The Big Pussy" Catalanotto is forever on my list. I wouldn't go playing in any abandoned fully functioning saw mills, O.K. FRANK? Great story, right?

Oh no. That was but the prologue.

Recently, I finally got around to shipping Obnoxio his 2006 CBS Sportsline Fantasy Baseball Trophy (which I had thoughtfully wrapped in an old pair of my tighty whities for him) and just a few days later I received a package in return. It was addressed from Moron Twins HQ. And inside, there it was. Carefully placed in a crappy, light brown, faux-wood frame, was a printout of the 2005 "These are the Jokes" fantasy baseball league standings. And it's signed. "To Woody. Best Wishes! Frank Catalanotto". Son of a ...



(click the picture for a close-up)

And yes, it's real.