Dog Bites Pillow

The trivia highlight of my life came last week at Tonic in SF when I nailed the question: What actor cameoed as the dead grandfather in the movie Beer Fest? Having never seen the movie, I correctly answered "Donald Sutherland".

The trivia lowlight of my life came shortly later that same evening at Tonic when I nailed the question: What movie is the following quote from: [paraphrased] "Those are my lines. He's stealing my moves. And he stole her underwear, that's just sick". Having seen the movie, I correctly answered "Hitch".

I was driving along the 580 in Oakland and saw a cheesy dude in a Lexus with the vanity license plate "TUNA 307". WTF does that mean? What's the point of a vanity plate that can only be understood by the driver? Well, I'd be damned if I was going to be on the outside of this joke. I hit Google fast and hard, and found out that the world record for a Yellowfin Tuna, was a 307 pound beauty found off the coast of Sydney. When free diver Greg Pickering saw this natural wonder, he did what any nature loving aquatic admirer would do, he speared the fish through the head and dragged it in to be weighed. WELL PLAYED GREG! Please feel free to flick off TUNA 307 if you Bay Areans ever cross his path.

There is also a chance that TUNA 307 is just some poor dude nicknamed Tuna from Wyoming (Area Code 307). Awe hell, either way this guy should be flicked off. Vanity plates are annoying.

I take it back. The "80's HOT" prize does in fact go to Sharon Stone from the movie "Total Recall"

Do young adults still make "Mix Tapes" for romantic interests of theirs? If so, what do they call them? "Mix CD's" ? OK, still outdated. Do people just shoot a text message instead saying something like "I just gifted you a play list of songs to your i-tunes account that I thought you might like"?

This blog peaked with the words "Banana Hammock".

Monkey Collage

I run a fantasy football league called The Monkey League. Part of the charm of the league is that we try to beat a team that a monkey could pick, a randomly selected "Monkey Team"; and so the league was named.

Part of my own amusement in this league is that each week I try to post on the league home page a picture of a monkey doing something related to the team he's playing. For example, if he is playing the team "Angry Marmot" I would ideally have a picture of a monkey piling an unhappy marmot. Ideally, I say. More often than not, it's just a picture of a monkey doing something ridiculous. But what does this have to do with you? Well, nothing. Not unless you want to see a collage of a few hundred pictures of monkeys, and surprisingly a few pictures of former Chicago quarterback Kyle Orton, drunk at some bar. Because that is precisely what I have created for you.

Some blogs don't have monkey collages, they just don't see the point I guess. We here at TWDB however don't buy into the gobledeegook that a blog has to feature SEX or PORN for people to read it. Maybe that's why nobody reads us. Well if nothing else, we sure as shit understand the importance of a good old fashioned monkey collage. So grab your favorite cup of something, and sit back and enjoy...

(you can click to enlarge the monkey collage if you wish. be sure to pan left and right too, to see the entire collage)

Dog Bites

Now that the Yankees have lost, I could give a rat's ass who wins the World Series.

Last week, news was "leaked" by ESPN that Alex Smith was facing season ending surgery after separating his shoulder in his last game. On Protrade, his stock spiraled, and I shorted him knowing that it would go down even further. Well, they were reporting crap that someone posted on a blog, and it turns out he's only out a few weeks. Reason number 8 million why reading blogs is a waste of time. And reason #1 why my protrade account lost 4 grand.

In case you were wondering, on my home-cave office desk I have three bobbleheads (Oski, Tedford, and Ichiro), two windup toys, an AT-AT, a Mariner's lunch box and two Edgar Martinez statues, pictures of my wife and kids, two SEC handbooks, a few dozen comic books, the complete quote book from "Snakes on a Plane", a fantasy baseball scorecard autographed by Frank Catalonotto, an authentic bowling pin from Hollywood Star Lanes, and a mechanical talking monkey head.

Sharon Stone in Total Recall might define "80's Hot", but it also might be Mia Sara from Ferris Bueller, or Elizabeth Shue from, well, any of her movies.

This past season, the 7 Cedars Casino has been advertising during all Mariners games the absolute CHEAPEST sweepstakes of all time. It was called the 7-7-7 sweepstakes. Each game one lucky "winner" was eligible to win 7 grand, if the M's put up 7 runs in the 7th inning. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? How many times this season do you think they paid it out? Well, zero. And only 7 grand? I think the probability-weighted payout for each participant of has got to be in the pennies. Perhaps the cheapest casino ever.

"Baby Dragon" is the most likely winner for Ryan's Halloween costume. Charlotte is now Princess Jazmine.

I need to adjust my favorite teams listing to include the caveat that it's OK to root for Stanfurd if and only if they are playing USC and in beating them Cal will be ranked #2 in the Nation.

Holy crap. Cal is ranked #2 in the NATION (not just California).

I saw that my local 30th anniversary R2-D2 public mailbox has been taken down. Well, just the outside part. Now there is just an awkwardly wide, stupid looking mailbox there.

I just won a fantasy football bet where I get to order two friends to take a tequila shot, four separate times, at ANY point during the Cal - UW game weekend. I think one will come the second they wake up, one with breakfast, one with lunch, and one "terminator" late in the evening. Not too close together... I don't want them to get drunk from them and get any benefit.

Recently my wife told me that I should go to the Cal - UCLA game and enjoy a great party filled weekend in L.A. with the boys. As these "away" weekends are rare and (no offense to the kids) exceptionally fun, I was very excited about this. The next day she checked the calendar and realized that she invited over house guests that weekend... no can go. I felt like Publishers Clearinghouse just bounced a check to me.

YES, I need permission to leave town for a party weekend. You'll understand it when you have kids.

My teams

Just to be clear, my teams are in order of preference:

1. Cal Football

2. Mariners

3. Seahawks

4. UW

5. Any MLB team playing the Yankees

6. Any other Cal sport, (ie swimming, track and field)

7. Tie: Pac 10 teams I am indifferent on (Oregons, Arizonas, WSU, UCLA)

8. Sharapova, Hantucova, Vaidisova, Kournikova, any other female tennis player ending in “ova” really

9. Chelsea F.C.

10. The US National Soccer team

11. Any other US National team (except the National basketball team)

12. The Seattle Thunderbirds (semi-pro hockey)

13. The Seattle / KC Supersonics

14. Any other NFL team

15. Any team or individual-sport athlete not on this list in any sport, at any level (including NHL)

16. The rest of the NBA

17. The US National basketball team

18. USC

19. Yankees

20. Stanfurd

Paws and Stink

Dog Bites, by the numbers:

(Note: I hate "by the numbers" type articles. That said, I hate blogging too, so maybe they cancel each other out)

0 - The number of lawyers CBS has put on Survivor in the 14 seasons (7 years) since Boom Boom sued them following season 1

1 - The number of guys I know that work in a basement / cave

3 - The number of minutes of stand up comedy my family is making everyone perform (on stage, at The Seattle Underground) this Christmas

6 - The number of Those Aren't Pillows posts in August

7 - The number of home runs A-Rod had in the 5 games from 9/4 to 9/9. Boras is going to get this guy $30M a year, no problem

8 - Cal's national rank today. GO BEARS

8 - Number of picks I got right in Week 1 of the "Ultimate Cup" football pick'em pool. Same as a coin. Suck it Trebec

9 - The place my fantasy baseball team will end up this year. @#$*!

15 - The number of losses the Mariners had in the 17-game stretch from August 25th to September 11

15 - The number of Mariner fans left this season that thought we still had a playoff chance on September 12 (note a 40-man roster)

16 - The age Charlotte says she will turn on her third birthday this fall. (same as Ariel)

43 - The number of fake dollars I have made in my first day of trading on "ProTrade.com" where people can invest fake money in sports teams and players. The 43 fake dollars represents a 1-day return of 0.18% or roughly 69% annualized on my $23,000 fake account. In other words, I need to somehow get a life

49 - The number of points Kevbo put up in Week 1 of The Monkey League, fantasy football

58 - The number of points Weaver put up in Week 1 of The Monkey League

63 - The number of points our randomly selected "Monkey Team" put up in Week 1 of The Monkey League

80 - The number of wing flaps a hummingbird has in 1 second

95 - The score (out of 100) that I rated the terribleness of this blog posting. (for perspective, "The Return of Sleep Apnea" got an 85

The Return of Sleep Apnea

For as long as I can remember, I have been involved in this "Ultimate Cup" football pick'em league. Basically you pay $100 at the beginning of the NFL season, then pick the winner (with the spread) for every NFL game each week, and then 17 weeks later you question the intelligence of wagering $100 basically on 256 coin flips. That said, the league commish is a crazy SOB named Spencer who is exceptionally entertaining in a Sports Guy "unintentional comedy" kind of way. For example, today he just sent out the odds for Week 2 of the NFL, and in the email complained about the return of his severe sleep apnea, and how that has put him on the couch watching sports center, and that's why the picks are out early.

I GUARANTEE you that this is the only NFL pick'em league in America where you will read the words "return of sleep apnea" in the weekly news letter. Isn't this worth the $100 entry fee? You NEVER know what this guy will talk about. Just to put it in perspective, this was like the 50th most random e-mail that Spencer has sent out to roughly 100 people in his league.

And shouldn't the "Return of Sleep Apnea" be on some "Worst Movie Titles of All Time" list? Actually, it does sound like a pretty sweet horror flick, no?

THE RETURN OF SLEEP APNEA

Pleasant dreams.

Halloween Costumes

With only a month and change left before the big day, it's time to discuss what the kids are going to wear this Halloween. Thankfully Charlotte was very clear that she wanted to be Ariel (from the Little Mermaid) for about the past 2.5 years. Yes, she's about 2.8 now. Her grandma Mary is picking out the costume, and right when she was ordering it, Charlotte HAD to be Snow White. "NOT ARIEL." I am OK with this. The Ariel costumes with the sea shell bras and the fish tails seemed a bit sketchy to me anyway. Thankfully the change was made and the correct costume was ordered, and Charlotte will make a wonderful Snow White. Which surely means her final choice will be Ariel when the day gets closer. Whatever, the girl is taken care of. Now, the boy.

I certainly will NOT allow Ryan to be put in something like a "cute" (read: "lame") Baby Sailor costume that could cause serious damage to his psyche if he sees the pictures later in life. For god's sake, his sister dresses him in tutu's any chance she gets. Let's get a MANLY costume, and at least give the boy the option of not being gay if he so chooses.

Mostly I have seen parents err on the side of WAY TOO CUTE costumes for their babies; which gets you results like "Baby Snowman", "Baby Butterfly" or "Baby Pumpkin" (OK, I have to admit, Charlotte was a pretty cute Baby Pumpkin at age 1, but this is about RYAN. Remember the tutu issue). For another example, see exhibit D: Bjorn,_Baby .

So on to the real options:

I think "Baby Yoda" or "Baby Darth Vader" have REAL potential for Ry-ry. They're tough, and I think would get him some good street cred to bank for use later in life. Just imagine on the playground in a few years... "HEY PUMPKIN, IT'S DARTH. REMEMBER ME?"

Oooh yes.




Baby Gorilla. A true classic. I might have to fight him for this one though. How can you go wrong with a Gorilla costume on Halloween? Even before I really knew Jason Bennett in college, he showed up at a party in a full-on Gorilla costume, and I knew he was all right. This is almost a no brainer.

Unless... is there some way to combine the toughness of a Star Wars Baby Darth / Baby Yoda costume with the classical nature of the Baby Gorilla costume? OH MY GOD, it's so simple. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a WINNER. I present to you: BABY CHEWBACCA. Our work here is done. Now I just have to convince my wife...