Musings of a Dad Man V

Things I never knew before I had kids (in-depth study):

"Baby Bjorn"

No, Baby Bjorn is not some little Scandinavian boy. It is more like a backpack made for a baby. And I don't mean a mini backpack that your baby can put diapers and sippy cups in to take camping. I mean one that you actually put the baby IN to. Oh, and you wear it on the front so... I don't know, so maybe you can see the baby or not forget your are carrying the baby and accidentally walk the baby into a bar, or go bungee jumping with the baby, or something.

Action Jackson

Note: the following is an excerpt of T's 2007 Cal Preview that I contributed this year. This Cal Fan favorite annual publication including in-depth player analysis and uncannily accurate game predictions is available now at:
T’s Cal Football Page.

Action Jackson

Junior #1 DeSean Jackson may be the most talented wide received in the NCAA this season. Heck, he most certainly is the most talented punt returner in the country, so that makes him the best at two positions. This season he will be one of the most talked about players at Cal, in the Pac 10, and in the country. At 6’0”, 165 pounds he isn’t the biggest guy you will see catching passes, but he just might be the fastest and most electrifying. He will again be the main weapon in the Bears’ aerial attack, using his 36” vertical leap, 4.3 / 40 speed, and impressive strength, to separate from defenders, make dazzling plays on the football, and get yards after the catch as he did in his first two seasons. He has a chance to score every single time he touches the football.

The Sporting News and Rivals.com have named Jackson the top receiver in the nation going into 2007, and publications from ESPN to www.Sportscrack.com have him in their pre-season all American, and Heisman candidate lists. Do not miss his all-hype website at http://www.the1towatch.com/ as Cal promotes his run at the Heisman.

Jackson led the Bears in 2006 with 59 catches, 1,060 yards, and 9 receiving scores, and was named a starter on the all Pac 10 team last season. He showed several times that he could simply take games over with amazing performances against Minnesota (7 receptions, 114 yards, 3 TD’s), and Arizona (6 receptions, 131 yards, 1 TD), and a memorable Big Game (7 catches for 127 yards). He only once was held to less than three catches (2 receptions against Oregon), and only twice was held to under 50 yards. He could easily surpass these amazing stats in 2007 with another year of maturity and experience under his belt.

Oh, and you will have to read about his punt returning abilities in the special teams section of this preview. All I will say here is that he scored on almost 20% of his returns last season, so expect him to get the “Deltha O’Neal” treatment quite often as kickers aim for the sidelines to try to not get burned.

One thing you do not want to miss this year is every single time DeSean touches the football. He is a one-man thrill ride, or as ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit said. "If there's one guy, when the ball is in his hands that you hold your breath on, it's DeSean Jackson. He's the greatest playmaker in college football."

Buckle up Cal fans, this is going to be fun.

Draft Analysis

NBA fantasy draft analyst Slim Shady looked over our WvW fantasy draft (see post below) and made the following assesment:

On the draft, I like your top 5 over his top 5. Hopefully, you are only playing 5 on 5. After that, you got a little loose. The Durant pick is crazy. Odom too. By the way, you know Rashard Lewis is no longer on the Sonics, right?

Editor's note: no, he did not remember that Rashard Lewis was no longer a Sonic.

Mono y Mono

Every year or two the "annual" Wood vs Whiting one-on-one fantasy NBA draft takes place. It's like the "And 1" version of a real NBA fantasy draft. The rules are simple, the draft always takes place at Shanghai Kelly's, in San Francisco, and no newspaper or other "research" crap is allowed. The real genius of this draft (and by "real genius", I mean "pure idiocy") is three-fold:

(1) Neither of us follow the NBA;
(2) We both hate the NBA; and
(3) 1-on-1 fantasy leagues are completely ridiculous.

We are usually decently over-served by the time we finally meet at the bar, acquire a pen and a napkin, and actually complete the naming of 15 real NBA players. Three years ago after perhaps our longest and drunkest drafts, the waitress erased our entire effort by spilling a drink on our napkin, and then declared "oh no, I have ruined your little game." That pretty much sums up how cool this draft is.

This season we were both back in SF, and found the appropriate time to start drinking, and whip up a little NBA draft (3pm on Saturday). So without further ado, here are the results of the 2007 Wood v. Whiting one-on-one Fantasy NBA Draft (actual picture of napkin above, click to zoom):

JW's Team

T. Duncan

A. Stoudamire

K. Bryant

S. Nash (too early for a 1-on-1 draft, yes?)

C. Anthony (How the hell did I forget about Carmelo?)

M. Redd (it's like he knew what he was doing here)

P. Pierce (I was supposed to draft him)

D. Howard (terrible, just terrible)

J. Kidd (can NOT fault taking a Bear)

C. Paul (who?)

T. McGrady (how the hell did T.Mac last this long?)

A. Jefferson

R. Artest

J. O'Neal (not a bad last pick)

MW's Team

L. James

Dirk N.

S. Marion

K. Garnett (had to get all good Boston Players)

G. Arenas

Y. Ming (terrible pick. Only player I could think of at the time)

Ray Ray Allen (see Garnett, K.)

K. Durant (ka-BOOOM!)

B. Davis

D. Wade (actually a good pick here)

L. Odom (you're f-ing kidding me)

R. Lewis (apparently he doesn't play for the Sonics anymore)

C. Boozer (appropriate for a bar-draft)

Kirilenko

P. Gasol (Bartender's suggestion, I was done)

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We Can't Roast The Beckbro

Or 90 thing’s I won’t mention at Dan’s Toast
(sung to the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel)
By Matthew H. Wood


Hamburgler, Royal Oak, Big Game, Admiral Toke
Lucky Penny, Dirty Harry, burried in the snow

Old Caddies, Ben Acosta, Foos Ball, Chip 'n salsa,
Mud fight, kahlua night, 1282 Vallejo

Mona Loa, Keg stand, he's talking with a homeless man
Shitter candle, New Orleans, Luggage rack Tacklings

Blue Light, Left fist fights, too many invites
Viking helmut, Kitty game, Ares has attacked again

We can't roast the Beck Bro
It's his wedding night
He might try to fight me
We can't roast the Beck Bro
Some things said are too rough
I'll just say the good stuff

West portal, hardwood shoes, waking neighbors, sushi groove
Dar Bar. Yukka Jar. handcuffed to the keg.

Casinos, Broken Nose, Vegas Corporation Woes
Breaking chairs, shotgun beers, Pres of Delta Sig

Beer Stein, Pete Dehn, Walter’s on a Bowling team
North Systems, Visaline, parties with Crab and Wine

City Tavern, Shaved Chest, Shanghai Kelly's, Eastside West
Big game arrest, what else can I roof test?

We can't roast the Beck Bro
It's his wedding night
He might try to fight me
We can't roast the Beck Bro
Some things said are too rough
I'll just say the good stuff

Triple rock, viking braids, pounding chili, Conclaves
4am Unreal Tourney, Bitter's got the day bed burning

Slosh Ball, Bowles Hall, California baseball
Another brawl, Sailors ball, UK Pub Crawl

Buddy system, Raleigh's, Brak's monkey, Henry's
Izzy Steaks, Tahoe Lakes, Do they card at Larry Blakes

Reverse Sneak, Broken chairs, Hell week, Bear's lair
Roomie Bente, Self Haze, San Clemente Mayor's Race

We can't roast the Beck Bro
It's his wedding night
He might try to fight me
We can't roast the Beck Bro
Some things said are too rough
I'll just say the good stuff

Palmfron-throwing early dawn, sparrow stories drawing yawns
Beer Pong, King Dong, Ares is in ECON

Spring Break, Rosarita, upsidedown margarita
SF Walkabouts, burning tree wont go out

Go Carts, Bingo pix, winter heat cabin wrecks
A BEST MAN SPEECH IN TWO WEEKS, or else Beck is gonna FREAK!

Real Men of Genius

I recently orchestrated a bachelor party for a good friend, we'll call him Wreckbro. During the 3-day event, Wreckbro had to complete some pretty impressive tasks in order to leave the weekend shame free. Among such events was a swim through the icy waters of puget sound, building a bench, taking the picture of a deer or other animal, and so on. One of the events though did stand out; it was called the "Real Men of Genius" challenge. The rules were simple: you sit at a table, and drink one itsy bitsy 3-oz beer for every song that was played on a CD. The CD used contains (almost) all 68 Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercials, each of which lasts for approximately 1 minute.

That's right.

"Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius. (Reeal men of genius...) Today we salute YOU Mr. 80-SPF Sunblock Wearer (Mr. 80-SPF Sunblock Wearer). There are 24 hours in a day, but you have 80-hour protection..."

and drink... but before you know it...

"Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius. (Reeal men of genius...) Today we salute YOU Mr. Bass Plaque Maker (Mr. Bass Plaque Maker)..."

and drink... and right then...

"Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius. (Reeal men of genius...) Today we salute YOU Mr. Foot Long Hotdog Inventor (Mr. Foot Long Hotdog Inventor )..."

The idea is simple enough. The trouble is that 3 oz beers (say 33% air and foam), one per minute, for 68 minutes, is about 11 beers over the course of an hour and change. It's like 100's Club (100 oz of beer or 8 beers in 100 minutes) but, well, more genius.

I give you, the real Real Men of Genius.

The Adam Jones Experiment

The M's are walking a tightrope here... and it looks like under that tightrope is a pool of molten lava, with molten-lava-resistant piranha swimming around in it.

We just beat the Angels our biggest game in four years; a grueling 12-inning bloodbath that will certainly fire up the players and fans. As JJ Putz put it, "A win's a win. And I think this one's bigger than a lot of the other ones." It's tough to argue with logic like that, no?

We now sit three games out of first, and a half back in the wild card race. And thankfully, finally, new manager John McLaren just announced that Adam "Superman" Jones is being called up from AAA to bash the ball for the M's. With Raul and Richie just basically sucking, the timing of Superman's arrival could not be better.

Or could it?

You know Jose Guillen, right? My buddy Doug who has interviewed Guillen many times back in the his Angels beat writer days, predicted that it's only a matter of time until this crazy SOB explodes. He's a player, but he lacks that filter most people and certainly most ball players have that stop you right before you do or say something absolutely stupid.

Well, Jose apparently is NOT a fan of the Adam Jones call up. In Jose's words:

"I just hope they understand this is not Triple-A, this is the big leagues. I don't know what they're trying to do. I hope they don't do something stupid to mess with the lineup that we have. Because I believe we have a pretty good one.''

"I'm pissed"

Tick... tick... tick... Ahh yes, the fuse has been lit. And yes, I just used both a time bomb and a fuse bomb analogy together. McLaren really HAD to make this move, but holy crap is it ballsy. Adam Jones might show up and just eat up MLB pitching, or Jose Gillen might just eat Adam Jones. At least the final third of the season will prove interesting.