The Wood Dog Blog

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2008-06-06T16:28:00.001-07:00

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Moon over my house

2008-02-27T12:03:00.000-08:00

It's Science Week at the WDB, so for your educational benefit I busted out the ole Canon SLR and snapped a few pictures of the lunar eclipse this past Friday. You're welcome.

What is a lunar eclipse you ask? It's a big shadow of the Earth, on the Moon. The Moon actually gets red for about 20 minutes while fully eclipsed. But all of these things you already knew.

But what about that smaller little star-like thing to the bottom left of the moon? Some claim that it was Saturn that we saw. Pretty convienient little story, huh? But if you take a picture using a very low-resolution camera with absolutely no light amplifications, then this is clearly NOT Saturn. You see, NO RINGS. What do I personally think it is? Well, I wont state it out loud here... but I have my theories, and let's just say they aren't very pretty.

I have stated in the past that Alex Filippenko was a phenomenal professor at Cal who starred in Astro 10 "Astronomy for Econ Majors", which I consider my favorite class that I took in college. (Heck, watch one of his lectures by clicking here. Click on the lecture titled "Lunar Phases and Glorious Eclipses". He's great.)

I also took a class on photography in the 6th grade, which I thought was very cool. So you could say these pictures are the culmination of two passing fancies that I once had, proved to be mediocre at, and subsequently quit doing. Inspirational, no?

Sorry, the Wood Dog Blog is temporarily

2008-02-10T11:44:00.001-08:00

On vacation for a week. No kids, warm water, and lots of beer. Oh man, paradise.

19 - OH CRAP

2008-02-05T10:41:00.000-08:00

Who wants to help pitch in and buy this for our good friend Tang? At only $185, it might be just what he needs to go postal and take out half his office building. (Thanks for the heads up Weaver). I am actually glad that he doesn't read this blog (a safe bet considering, well, that no one else does either) because this is just a cruel and unusual thing that Macy's put out there. I am just the messenger.

NEW! Waterford Crystal XLll Super Bowl Champion Football $185.00 Patriot perfection! Nineteen wins. Zero losses. Football history has been rewritten, and the New England Patriots have won it all! Commemorate every bone-crunching tackle and triumphant touchdown with this limited edition Waterford Crystal football. Crystal Each individually engraved & numbered piece includes a certificate of authenticity. Web ID: 298538

9-9-9 a-thon

2008-02-04T11:11:00.001-08:00

Yes, I am going to attempt it.

It wont be easy, but if Slim did it last year, I sure as @!#$ can do it this year.

The 9-9-9 is on, this March 22nd in Phoenix, Arizona.

Please indicate in your paypal how many dogs and / or beers you are sponsoring me in. I thank you for your support.

No more yanky my wanky, Donger need Food

2008-01-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

This is part 1 of a series (of hopefully 1 part) about how I will re-vamp my fantasy baseball team to improve our chances and inspire our fan base. The M's are attempting the same feat by ridding themselves of the best outfield prospect in baseball in exchange for "Ace" pitcher Eric Bedard. We at "Real Men of Genius" HQ respect that, even if we don't agree with it. So here is our own recipe for success, starting with:

Part 1. New Team Name

The Early Candidates are:

1. The Mitchell Brothers

A. Need to draft Bonds, Tejada, Rocket, etc
B. Refers to a strip club, and that's kind of funny

2. Barack's Tales of Suspense

A. Love this team name
B. Refers to Barack Obama's suspenseful run to the presidency
C. Risk: might jinx Barak O's run to the presidency
D. Refers to "Brak's Tales of Suspense", a classic team name circa 1997
E. Risk #2 - Will only be funny to 2 people (on the planet)

3. Seven Pilings

A. Refers to the over / under of the TAP Blog writer's sexual conquests in 2008
B. Has a nautical ring to it
C. Risk 1: only funny to readers of TAP Blog (see 2-E above)
D. Risk 2: even then, not funny
E. I really should do a post just about pilings

4. No he's not Bedarded

A. Refers to "ace" pitcher Eric Bedard
B. Refers to "Grandpa" in Sixteen Candles describing his missing Chinese exchange student Long Duck Dong to the police as "wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded!"
C. Only B above matters
D. Note: must draft Eric Bedard

5. Donger Need Food

A. Simply inspired by Long Duck Dong from 4 above
B. Very loosely tied to baseball, as a "Donger" is not only a penis, but also a home run
C. I just remembered that Kevbo used The Dongs as a Football team name. Damn it.

Dog Tales

2008-01-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my 3-year-old daughter asked me "Daddy? Did you have dinner with your little tennis buddies last night?" I never felt so uncool, and at the hands of a 3-year-old.

And YES, damn it, we did have dinner. We couldn't get an indoor court for tennis, but still met for tacos and beer. It was a surprisingly fun time, without the tennis. Me and my little tennis buddies.

The Wookiepedia entry for Matthew Wood refers to a guy who just might be my pretend alter ego. Except that I sound NOTHING like General Grievious.

What? You don't know about Wookiepedia?

I consider myself an excellent microwaver. I have the uncanny ability to pretty much nail the amount of time needed to reheat a plate of food. Reheat a full plate of Chinese takeout? 1:20. KUNG FU HYAH!

My Grandmother still refers to a street in Seattle as "Enterprise" even though it was renamed "Martin Luther King Jr." about 20 years ago. She is certainly not anti-MLK, as she has absolutely zero bigotry in her blood; amazing considering she grew up in Selma, Alabama in the early part of the century. I do think that it is just habitual that she calls the street "Enterprise" and not "MLK". Or maybe she is just really pro-Star Trek.

I was walking my dog Barkley yesterday, in a DOG ON LEASH zoned area of a local park, and was properly abiding by the rules. Then along came this over-weight mangy mutty looking dog with this crazy look in his eyes. About 50 feet behind, this hippie couple was following. They looked like they hadn't showered in a few weeks, and hadn't cut her hair in years or his beard in months. I guess they could also be described as over-weight mangy and mutty themselves. So they called their crazy looking dog back, who was obviously trouble, and tried to steer him around Barkley and me, then said "NO DIABLO!" when he started to bark and mess with Barkley. I tried to alleviate the tense situation by saying something like "Diablo? Well this isn't good!" And they just stared at me with these evil hippie eyes like I had insulted their baby. Now I don't want to judge, but just because you are some crazy hippie couple, who sleeps with your dog, and your probably take your annual communal hippie shower with your dog, doesn't mean you don't have to ABIDE BY THE DOG GAMNED LEASH RULES.

OK, I got that out of my system.

Deja Screw?

2008-01-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

Well, our Sea Chickens are headed back to sunny Green Bay for a playoff game. I have one comment to make on this game.

We want the ball, and we're gonna score.

If Matt Hasselbeck doesn't come out and say that on the opening coin flip, I will be monumentally disappointed. Say it Matt, and let them hear you say it.

Oh, one more comment. I predict that we get the total NFL imposed screw job on the officiating of this game ala "Super Bowl Extra Large" two years ago. Just instead of Jerome Bettis we are going to lie, cheat, and call holding penalties for, it's Brett Favre. Everyone in the NFL, fans, owners, officials, cats, dogs, girlfriends, and uncles, ALL wanted Pittsburgh to win that game. Bettis was just too lovable of a guy, with a great career, to not send out with a super bowl ring. Right? And who the F are the Seahawks? Where is Seattle again? Does any team in the following picture look a little out of place and un-loved in the NFL world? OK, other than the Broncos, smartass.

The same thing is going to happen next weekend. Who doesn't want Green Bay to win? and that Brett Favre, he's just so damn likable. He really needs to go out with a ring, or at least get that man into the Super Bowl.

I should do an entire post about the officiating of Super Bowl XL, breaking down every obvious bad call (most of which seemed to ruin huge offensive plays by Seattle), and throw in some post-game thoughts from experts, coaches, and the like, but thankfully...

Wikipedia already has.

Love the Wikipedia crew, they cover everything.

Go get 'em Matt. A few other guys and I are all rooting for you.

Mobile TEST

2008-01-06T10:48:00.001-08:00

TEST TEST... huh, apparently I can blog via my cell phone. well, LA DEE F-ING DA! Now, since I DON'T GO ANYWHERE you can see lots of picturs of my home-office cave.

This test pic is Uncle DB doing his standup routine a few weeks ago at the SCU. Not bad... not bad.... if you like bad golf jokes.

Cabbage Soup for your Soul

2008-01-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

My wife decided that she was going on the “Cabbage Soup Diet” to jump start the new year. And like Jules in Pulp Fiction, that pretty much means that I’m going on the Cabbage Soup diet to jump start the new year too. So in total support of my wife, with a slight interest in ever having sex again, I joined her in a week long diet sprint known as my:

Seven Days of Hell
and Cabbage

Day 1… Cabbage Soup and Fruit

The first day of this diet was fine. You can do ANYTHING for a day, right? And I was prepared. The night before I had doubled up on dinner; once at my brother’s house when I pigged out on apps during our last and final Christmas gathering. On the drive home I told my wife “well I guess we don’t have to worry about ordering out tonight, since we just had dinner right?” Wife: “What do you mean? I thought we said we were ordering out tonight. I didn’t eat anything”. Me: “Oh right, I’m still hungry. They WERE just apps.” So I had dinner #2 an hour later. The tough part was when 5pm rolled around and I was half way to the scotch cupboard when I realized that I had to make a 180 and hit the Pellegrino. Did I mention the no booze part of this diet? What was I thinking? I am an idiot, that's what I was thinking.

Day 2… Cabbage Soup and Vegetables

Pure hell. I ate veggies straight, for 18 waking hours and was still starving. This was excruciating. No shit this diet will make you lose weight. You basically starve yourself for a week, and eat a fucking soup 24 / 7 made from a known diuretic in cabbage. So not only are you starved, you are dehydrated. Oh yeah, while I was eating celery and tomatoes all day long, I was also pissing like every 20 minutes. How can vegans function in society voluntarily enduring such torture every single day? They must be masochists or something.

Day 3… Cabbage Soup, Fruit, and Veggies

I will exaggerage only slightly and say I feel like I am clinically starved. This was the low point of the diet. Wife declares the diet is over. We have made a severe mistake, let’s order out and cut our losses. I talk her down with a John "Bluto" Blutarsky-esque speech about how life is full of mistakes, but we carry on. Let’s be the idiots that did the Cabbage Soup Diet, not the losers who could not finish the Cabbage Soup Diet. Are you with me!

Day 3 was tough. I felt a little light headed, and weak, but I actually could tell that I was being cleansed a little… ie, I did not have the midday urge to have 3 diet cokes and a coffee.

Day 4…Cabbage Soup, Skim Milk, and Bananas

If nothing else, this diet keeps you guessing. I consumed eight bananas on this day, mostly blended with skim milk and ice, making a delightful smoothie. I didn’t look up if ice was allowed on the diet or not. Yeah that's right, EIGHT bananas.

Day 5… Cabbage Soup, Steak and Tomatoes

THIS is what I’m talking about. I was eating a 12 ounce NY steak at 6:30 AM on Day 5. Holy crap did it taste good. The tough part of the day was the traditional post-tennis trip to Taco Wednesday at the Roanoak that night. $1 Beers $1 Tacos. My F-ing wheelhouse. I was Job, and God was testing me. While my friends were deciding whether to take it easy and stop at 4 tacos or just have 7, I just sat there in sober hunger, repeating my peace mantra to myself so I wouldn’t hurt someone. But I’ll be damned if I wasn’t playing tennis 6 pounds lighter than the week before. Thank GOD it was on steak day, or I would have been too weak to play.

Day 6… Cabbage Soup, Steak, and Vegetables

Jesus, this diet is so confusing. Although I had another steak for lunch, I forgot that it was vegetable day and not fruit day and accidentally ate a piece of pineapple. I guess technically after all of this hard work, I hadn’t followed the diet. DAMN IT.

Day 7… Cabbage Soup, Brown Rice, Fruits, and Veggies

Final day. I can do this. Brown rice never tasted so good. Was this brown rice, or brown heaven? I guess when you are carb starved, even brown rice will feed your soul. Another bowl of soup, a few carrots to go, and I’m done. And yes, the final bowl of soup tasted like vomit to me. I think the 7 days ends at 5pm tonight, so I’ll be the drunk guy covered in delivery pizza, passed out in the corner.

The final tally, I kid you not, was legit. I just weighed in 10 pounds lighter than I weighed the night before I started. Granted, that was the “night of two dinners” night, so my starting point was a little inflated, but still it’s something. I wouldn’t force this diet on my worst enemy, and I have no idea on the long term benefits, but if your goal is to lose the max amount of weight in a week, this could be for you. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Happy New Year

2008-01-03T11:22:00.000-08:00

The staff and friends at the Wood Dog Blog wish you a happy and safe 2008.

Day of the EXTREMELY FUNNY and Oppressed Husband

2008-01-02T16:07:00.001-08:00

The night of stand-up comedy went exceptionally well. Follwing the advice of my comic partner, The Other Guy in a Black Shirt, I went the "edgy" route with my routine; meaning I bagged on my kids, dog, and life as a family man, which is EXTREMELY FUNNY if you know how happy I am with my kids, dog, and life as a family man. The "you're a prick" text message I got from my wife when she read the script I left at home was totally in jest I'm sure.

You can see some pictures of the Wood Dog Family at the Seattle Comedy Underground on my family blog, by clicking............. HERE.

An amazing thing happened the other night at Tonic in SF. It was trivia night, and one set of questions was to identify the names of famous people in various untitled pictures. I was playing on a team of four heterosexual males, and we could not properly identify Heather Graham from a nude picture of her. Three of the four of us were confessed HG fans too. The distraction was her boobs. The picture was phenomenal, and her boobs must have had the power of the Men In Black little memory flasher device. We are all staring at her, saying things like "I know her. Hell, I LOVE her. What the hell is her name?"

A good friend of mine, we'll call him Posh Beaver, read my post about figuring out the "Pick'em Guy's scam" and gave me crap, "Yes I think you REALLY ARE the last guy on the planet to figure that out." He then asked why the Those Aren't Pillows Blog was on sabbatical, and I told him it was the writers' strike. Posh responded, "REALLY???" ... and I'm the idiot?

So the Monkey League Fantasy Football Draft 2008 has been set. 5:00 PM Saturday, August 23rd, in Las Vegas. It’s really genius. I think all of my buddies, even those tied down with wives, kids, mortgages, and dogs, should be able to make this. YOU HAVE NINE MONTHS. FIGURE IT OUT.

That weekend in Vegas with my friends will be like the Mexican holiday El Día del Marido Oprimido, or the “Day of the Oppressed Husband”. On this one day, for 23.5 hours, husbands have the freedom to do as they wish ... within the scope of Mexican law and their religious faith of course. It is one of the most loved days of the Mari Gras celebration, traditionally on the Monday before Fat Tuesday, and features a bunch of drunk Mexican family men burning sh$% and throwing eggs. I'm not sure we could get away with that here in the states, but woudn't it be funny? Maybe I should put the suggestion in my stand-up routine next year?

Chivalry is on life support

2008-01-02T16:07:00.000-08:00

Chivalry is probably almost dead, and if so, I certainly am not the guy attending to its dying needs. I mean, I open doors for ladies when I should, but almost never if the door is attached to a car.

Last week though after a Wednesday evening tennis game with the boys, we were walking out of the freezing tennis center, in the narrow walkway linking the courts to the front office, when unbeknownst to me a foursome of ladies were walking by us, getting ready to start their own game. I say "unbeknownst" not because it’s such a sweet word, but because I had absolutely no idea they were there. I was staring at the ground trying not to eat it on the several short sets of stairs throughout the walkway when the ladies apparently had to dive out of the way of our group as we bullied past them. One lady in fact loudly muttered over her breath "I guess chivalry really IS dead."

Even though it was unintentional I did feel like a dick. I guess 50% of chivalry probably is being aware of potentially non-chivalrous dick-traps. Even if you are a genuinely nice guy a majority of the time.

Oh, as an aside, I think playing tennis indoors while wearing a Northface fleece must really be a Seattle thing. I never did that in California for sure.

After the match (f-ers beat us 6-4, 6-2) we countered any nominal health benefit that 1:30 of doubles tennis will give you be hitting "taco Wednesday" at the Roanoak. 6 tacos, 3 beers, and 35 minutes later, I countered any nominal cerebral benefit talking to my friends for 35 minutes will give you by hitting "Beowulf in 3-D" at the AMC on 4th Avenue.

Great movie by the way if you are in to animated 3-D movies that look like one ginormous kick ass video game. I say that without owning an XBox or game cube, though I don't think many games would feature a 90% nude Angelina Jolee hot demon creature thing, and a hilarious speech dripping with genius sarcasm delivered deadpan by an animated John Malcovich. "Bravo Beowulf..." (clapping) "...Bra-vo."

OK, is it sketchy to find animated characters sexually attractive? It is, isn't it. If that's the case, I should probably be more concerned about my feelings toward Jessica Rabbit that spawned in the late 80's. Oh, and most of my high school "girlfriends".

By the way, an awesome visual movie Beowulf, but know what you're getting yourself in to. Much like Beerfest.

To bring it all back, I pulled another anti-chivalrous move about an hour ago when going through security at sea tac airport. Right ahead of me in line, a chick's bag was toppling over while she was undressing for the guards. I caught the bag, but her wallet spilled out, and stuff dumped everywhere. It felt like it would have been pretty invasive and sketchy to dive on the floor and go after her credit cards, money, and other items, so I just said something lame like, "um, your bag fell."

Wow, I think I really am a dick.

Those Aren't Writers

2007-12-21T22:28:00.001-08:00

The writer's strike has really affected my entertainment these days. No Colbert Report or Daily show... and the Those Aren't Pillows blog. All have been off the air without their talented writing staffs. I only hope they can come to an amicable solution to all involved, and get back to creating their entertaining shows (and blogs) soon.

Something really got me mad today. I had an “A HA” moment you could say, a ray of light shown into the usual attic-dark stale recesses of my brain. My new best friend on the radio, the NFL Pick’em Guy, is a total f-ing fraud. And I knew it. Follow me here. Let’s say this guy KNOWS that he can convert a loser into a customer by giving him three free locks in a row, for free. Yes, anyone considering calling an expert sport picker he heard on the radio is now a loser. Anyway, let’s say 10,000 people call him after hearing about his penchant for perfectly nailing his WEEKLY LOCK on his nationally aired radio commercial. OK, let's say The LOCK game is New England -22 against the Jets. Which team does he pick? Well, he fucking picks both. He tells 50% of the callers that it’s New England, and 50% that it’s the Jets. Now he has 5,000 people convince he hit his lock and who will try him out the following week, when he tells 2,500 people that the Steelers will cover against the Sea Chickens, and 2,500 people that Sea Chickens +8 is A LOCK. By the end of week 3 he has 1,250 newly converted customers convinced that this guy can’t miss a pick, which is 1,250 more customers than he had three weeks ago. What an A-Hole.

Am I the last guy on the planet to figure this out?

I saw a double feature with my wife this evening, we went to go see Juno, and Charlie Wilson's War. Both actually are very decent flicks, even though they are nothing like Beerfest. I think it was the first time I saw two back-to-back movies in the theater since JTW and I used to pull the "three for the price of one" movie marathon in SF as kids. And by kids I mean five years after we graduated college.

Each and every one of you should have TWO farms now, since you surly bet one on Pittsburgh this past Thursday, after the Wood Dog raised his pick'em run on Thursday nights to 0-7. I didn't tell you my pick for nothing. Those of you with only one farm right now can only blame yourself.

I have nothing prepared for my upcoming two minutes on stage at the Seattle Comedy Underground for my family Christmas gathering. Well, nothing except some bits about walking my dog. Which doesn’t sound funny at all, until you hear the part about me waiting for his ass to start opening about 20 seconds prior to crapping, and how good that makes me feel. Wow, now it really doesn’t sound funny. But it’s a big deal, when you’re walking your F-ing dog around at midnight in the shitty 38 degree December Seattle rain, and all you want to happen is for the damn dog to take her crap, and when the little butt hole opens up, it’s like she’s getting ready, now she just has to find the right spot, and I’m putting my fists up in a Rocky style victory celebration… So it needs some tweaking, sue me, but this could work. Only a minute forty-five left to go.

If only I had some writers.

Up on the woof

2007-12-20T12:39:00.000-08:00

I bought a pair of "Lucky" jeans about two weeks ago. They were expensive, like $125 bucks. WAY more than one should spend on jeans in my opinion. Now, several washings past the return policy, I have determined that they are much too big on me. The gangsta trow-drop look doesn't really go well with my Twinkie white person. (You know the phrase "Twinkie", right? White on the outside, even whiter on the inside?) I think though that I'm going to take the easy way out, and just grow my ass bigger. Maybe I'm just that cheap.

I have FINALLY seen the movie BEER FEST. Holy crap. If you have been known to enjoy beer, and maybe to do stupid things while enjoying your beer, or even if you just like drinking games, RUN DON'T WALK to your blockbuster / netflix account / movie channel and see this movie. It's exceptional. The only thing I didn't love about the movie was that I didn't write it myself. Be warned though, if you're not in the right mood for this kind of movie, you might find it exceptionally stupid... oh and I think chicks will HATE it. If you must watch with a chick, make sure they're drunk.

I love how e-mailing and text messaging from your phone can make you look like a completely illiterate tool. The combination of the tiny keyboards, hurried responses, and the "smart" word selection software can create sentences like the one I sent the other day to let my wife know our takeout Chinese had been delivered: "The food is heterogeneous". I think I will call this phenomenon "mobile retardation".

Sometimes working from a home-office / cave is just like working from a real office. Well, except the PJ's and poor hygiene part. Usually I work on my computer, and talk on the phone just like I would from the company HQ. And then there are days like today where my wife intercom's me and tells me to clean the gutters.

By the way, does anyone know why gutters reek so much? The crap I pulled out of there smelled like I had thrown the boy and the dog up on the roof and told them to have a poop-off, winner doesn't have to sleep in the crate tonight. Why the hell haven't I showered yet?

Thank you to loyal reader, we'll call him Reeegano, for the update on our favorite Lexus driving fish lover, Tuna 307. Well it looks like we have another great hunter who found an even BIGGER natural phenomenon and speared THAT animal through the head and weighed it. Sorry Tuna 307, meet TUNA 381! Yes world, we have a NEW RECORD SIZED DEAD TUNA! How does THAT feel? Tuna 381 makes Tuna 307 seem more like a "Tuna 233", if you ask me. Congrats to you both though for being my 2007 Co-Naturalists of the Year. I hope your two meet some day, and I hope that meeting is on the freeway with your two Lexuses going in opposite directions.

Dare to dream

2007-12-18T14:44:00.000-08:00

With two weeks left in the regular season I have “locked up” last place in my NFL pick’em league per our insane league commissioner. My Swan Kick was to incorrectly pick 10 of 14 games last weekend, and I now have a commanding 15 pick lead over my nearest competitor. I am a perfect 0-6 on Thursday games, and near perfect when picking on the road in bad weather. In a 90 person league, this type of lead is almost statistically impossible. I don't think I'm even on the probability bell curve any more.

I was driving around the other day, wallowing in my 38% pick’em accuracy misery, when I heard a commercial for one of those expert sports betting picker guys. He was GUARANTEEING a lock for that week if I just called him, and the lock was free... no strings attached. If I liked his pick, I could call him back to get his COMPLETE LIST for a nominal fee. only if I wanted to. I felt like a recovering alcoholic and Jenny Craig client walking by dollar beer and taco night at the Roanoak. I thought about it. What would ONE pick hurt? I have a 15 pick lead for last place. Maybe that one pick would be the difference to win the Week 16 $150 pot and I could STILL take the overall last place money.

Just the fact that I can win a week and still take last place was starting to get my adrenaline going. I could do it, I could be the king. He seemed so nice on the radio too, and boasted an almost anti-Wood Dog 58% accuracy rate, and like 80% on his LOCKS OF THE WEEK. He seemed nothing like the BRD persona Gold Chain Wearing Fist Pounding LOCK OF THE WEEK guy that haunts my nightmares. Maybe I could just take his picks, win a week, take home some dough and then just win last place by a little less. Not a terrible idea, right?

NO! Not that I was really going to call the guy, but I can NOT think like that. Dead last in a pickem league? That's something I can brag to my kids about later in life.

The cryptic words said to Gold-5 during his last seconds of life as he attacked the Death Star echoed in my head "STAY ON TARGET". Like some magic Jedi A-A Sponsor telling me to fight the craving. STAY ON TARGET. I have to finish what I have started this season. I will NOT CHEAPEN IT. Though I might have to turn off my proverbial targeting computer for these last two weeks to make it through.

(Oh, and I picked St. Louis + 9.5 for this week's Thursday game. Bet the farm... on Pittsburgh. )

STAY ON TARGET

Christmas Card

2007-12-13T16:50:00.000-08:00

[AS SEEN AT The Wood Family Blog]

How to make a CHRISTMAS CARD
(in 5 easy steps)

STEP 1: Make some kids

STEP 2: Add water, grow kids

Step 3: Buy a dog

Step 4: take about 150 pictures of kids and dog.
(click on the above to zoom on the pictures)

(OK, nix the dog, too difficult)

Step 5: Make Christmas card

Dogg'n It

2007-11-28T15:03:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite scotches Oban 14 is not available in the state of Washington. I shit you not. I have searched every liquor store and bar that I know for this smokey seaside single malt, and have come up empty. Every time I demand an anwer from the bar or liquor stor proprietor, they come up with some lame excuse about their wholesaler being short on stock, but they were sure it would come back next week. There is something fishy going on in the state of Washington, and I don't like it. I am sure the fat cats at the tobacco companies are involved somehow.

Oh, and yes the State of Washington controls all hard alcohol sales within her boarders, completely inflating the prices in a monopolistic fashion and stopping the free market from getting me my scotch. It's like prohibition all over again.

My ability to incorrectly pick NFL games against the spread is reaching historical heights this year. In a league with roughly 90 participants, I am currently ranked dead last in the ranking. There is a small last place prize that I am now shooting for, and you have no idea how hard it is to stay the course with my method in picking games. If I start trying to pick losers I am going to end up winning a week or something and completely screw my last place chances. This is stressing me out just thinking about it. See the TAP blog for my current pick % and be impressed.

My protrade account had a nice pop with the simultaneous selling short of Sean Alexander with the buy of Maurice Morris. The Sea Chickens are also 4-0 since Morris took over running the ball.

Is anyone else still a little pissed that we demoted Pluto to Non-Planet status a year or so ago? I LOVED Pluto. It was the little runt planet really far away that was named after Mickey's Dog. What wasn't to like about Pluto? I mean, what do you really remember about Uranus (other than the perverted name)? Now though, thanks to a grand triumph of scientific reasoning, Pluto has been reclassified as a "Dwarf Planet" along with Ceres and Eris, two little bitch rocks that happen to cirlce the sun too. I also think that phrase is B.S., and that they'd actualy prefer to be called "Little Planets".

I do like astronomy, and Astro 10 with Professor Filippenko was my most enjoyable class at Cal. Though I think my astronomy career peaked when I made a room full of pledges pretty accruately reenact the orbital rotations of the nine planets (YES, INCLUDING PLUTO) around our sun, along with a few moons, and a comet.

Poorly Hung

2007-11-28T10:36:00.000-08:00

In case anyone wasn't at the Cal - UW football game last week, you missed one heck of a halftime show starring Berkeley's very own American Idol, William Hung. Thank you to beat reporter JTW for finding a link to the video here and reminding me of my thoughts on the matter.

OK, JTW isn't beat, unless you consider a 4.7 on hotornot.com as beat. But I digress.

There we were, loyal Cal Berkeley grads and football fans, fighting off the rain and cold of a typical November game in Seattle, when we are warmed by the announcement that our very own William Hung would be performing for us at halftime. What a nice gesture to the Cal crowd in attendance, right?

Well homeboy appears on the field, wearing HUSKY gear, and shouts out "GO DAWGS" to the student section just before going into his inspiring rendition of his trademark song "She Bangs" while the UW cheerleader corps dirty danced around him. The UW band backed him up and even spelled out IDOL! in their own special marching band way. They were one. They were a people. Hung might as well have faced his ass toward the Cal section of the stadium, dropped his pants, and showed us a sparkling new "KISS HERE CAL" tattoo.

I felt betrayed. I felt angry. I felt like someone had kicked my wet cold nuts with a hot iron boot. Was he so wrapped up in the gig that he didn't realize his own people were there, as sworn enemies that day to the school he was now siding with?

William Hung is dead to me. He is the new poster boy for high treason and treachery. That sell out no longer deserves the honor of being considered a true Berkley icon among the ranks of The Naked Guy (may his soul rest in peace), Rosebud (may her soul rest in peace after doing time in the slammer in the sky for attacking the Chancellor), Rick Starr (may his overworked liver and crazy mind continue to belt out Sinatra into his fake microphone attached to a coffee can), David Temple (a.k.a The Yashua Guy), and the lovable Hate Man.

Where you once stood William Hung, you are no longer welcome.

NOTES:
In googling for pictures of the above I ran across this article published in September 2000 declaring that the venerable Rick Starr Show has gone on permanent sabbatical. Something about his tendency to harass attractive coeds on their way to class. Oh that suave crooner was always testing the limits. Rick Starr, thanks for your tunes, I bid you adieu.

Dog Jamm'n

2007-11-05T22:45:00.000-08:00

I was TERRIFIED over the weekend when the power went out for about 90 minutes on Saturday night. It wasn't so much the dark that scared me, or the heat being off, or the kids being scared, or my wife going crazy, or the dog barking... it was the potential that I was going to have to cancel on my whiskey tasting party I was headed to. Thank GOD (and Puget Sound Power) for getting things worked out in time.

Yeah, my wife went into action like a crack commando unit. Or a commando unit on crack. The contingency plan was enacted, we had candles lit, and the emergency flashlights on in like 8 seconds. I was informed we needed to conserve battery power "just in case". I was amazed she wasn't handing out firearms to the kids, and telling me to get the hell out of the way, or to just start baking bread.

HD service is entering my life in 24 hours. Just TRY to wipe the dopey grin off my face. I DARE YOU.

Whiskey tasting was MUCH harder than I gave it credit for. After 6 or 7 drinks in, everything starts to taste the same. 100 proof Knob Creek or Balvenie Doublewood Single Malt? Who the hell knew? Except the Laphroaig... a very distinctive scotch that smells and tastes like a peat bog... it's awesome.

I almost had a spit take (spit took?) in the car yesterday when I heard on the radio the following words: "I'm Wally Szczerbiak, and YOU'RE listening to Sonics radio!". I just realized that the shock that Wally Szczerbiak is a Seattle Supersonic is clearly overshadowed by the spelling of his name in the blog format.

By the way, my early season prediction that the Sonics were going to go 0-82 this year is looking more and more like a lock.

That "Dick in a Blog" guy looked like he had so much promise when he entered the blog world, but then just disappointed. He reminds me a lot of Niner QB Alex Smith, well except for the promise.

If you stare at the Monkey Collage long enough, you can see the image of a little black wooden dog. Creeped out yet?

If you are scheduling a training for work, that is really more of a boon-doggle, and are trying to get away with it, you really shouldn't refer to the training location as "Vegas" to your boss. It's "Las Vegas". And don't follow up with the obligatory "baby" either.

Jesus, it's like we have all been programmed to say Vegas "Baby!" when talking about a trip to Vegas. I personally can't help it. I try to fight it, but it just happens. It's just way too fun and catchy not to I guess. Note to marketing people everywhere: all you have to do is repeat a word 10,000 times over the course of 90 minutes to permanently engrave it into someone's unconcious.

Dog Bites Pillow

2007-10-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

The trivia highlight of my life came last week at Tonic in SF when I nailed the question: What actor cameoed as the dead grandfather in the movie Beer Fest? Having never seen the movie, I correctly answered "Donald Sutherland".

The trivia lowlight of my life came shortly later that same evening at Tonic when I nailed the question: What movie is the following quote from: [paraphrased] "Those are my lines. He's stealing my moves. And he stole her underwear, that's just sick". Having seen the movie, I correctly answered "Hitch".

I was driving along the 580 in Oakland and saw a cheesy dude in a Lexus with the vanity license plate "TUNA 307". WTF does that mean? What's the point of a vanity plate that can only be understood by the driver? Well, I'd be damned if I was going to be on the outside of this joke. I hit Google fast and hard, and found out that the world record for a Yellowfin Tuna, was a 307 pound beauty found off the coast of Sydney. When free diver Greg Pickering saw this natural wonder, he did what any nature loving aquatic admirer would do, he speared the fish through the head and dragged it in to be weighed. WELL PLAYED GREG! Please feel free to flick off TUNA 307 if you Bay Areans ever cross his path.

There is also a chance that TUNA 307 is just some poor dude nicknamed Tuna from Wyoming (Area Code 307). Awe hell, either way this guy should be flicked off. Vanity plates are annoying.

I take it back. The "80's HOT" prize does in fact go to Sharon Stone from the movie "Total Recall"

Do young adults still make "Mix Tapes" for romantic interests of theirs? If so, what do they call them? "Mix CD's" ? OK, still outdated. Do people just shoot a text message instead saying something like "I just gifted you a play list of songs to your i-tunes account that I thought you might like"?

This blog peaked with the words "Banana Hammock".

Monkey Collage

2007-10-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

I run a fantasy football league called The Monkey League. Part of the charm of the league is that we try to beat a team that a monkey could pick, a randomly selected "Monkey Team"; and so the league was named.

Part of my own amusement in this league is that each week I try to post on the league home page a picture of a monkey doing something related to the team he's playing. For example, if he is playing the team "Angry Marmot" I would ideally have a picture of a monkey piling an unhappy marmot. Ideally, I say. More often than not, it's just a picture of a monkey doing something ridiculous. But what does this have to do with you? Well, nothing. Not unless you want to see a collage of a few hundred pictures of monkeys, and surprisingly a few pictures of former Chicago quarterback Kyle Orton, drunk at some bar. Because that is precisely what I have created for you.

Some blogs don't have monkey collages, they just don't see the point I guess. We here at TWDB however don't buy into the gobledeegook that a blog has to feature SEX or PORN for people to read it. Maybe that's why nobody reads us. Well if nothing else, we sure as shit understand the importance of a good old fashioned monkey collage. So grab your favorite cup of something, and sit back and enjoy...

(you can click to enlarge the monkey collage if you wish. be sure to pan left and right too, to see the entire collage)

Dog Bites

2007-10-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

Now that the Yankees have lost, I could give a rat's ass who wins the World Series.

Last week, news was "leaked" by ESPN that Alex Smith was facing season ending surgery after separating his shoulder in his last game. On Protrade, his stock spiraled, and I shorted him knowing that it would go down even further. Well, they were reporting crap that someone posted on a blog, and it turns out he's only out a few weeks. Reason number 8 million why reading blogs is a waste of time. And reason #1 why my protrade account lost 4 grand.

In case you were wondering, on my home-cave office desk I have three bobbleheads (Oski, Tedford, and Ichiro), two windup toys, an AT-AT, a Mariner's lunch box and two Edgar Martinez statues, pictures of my wife and kids, two SEC handbooks, a few dozen comic books, the complete quote book from "Snakes on a Plane", a fantasy baseball scorecard autographed by Frank Catalonotto, an authentic bowling pin from Hollywood Star Lanes, and a mechanical talking monkey head.

Sharon Stone in Total Recall might define "80's Hot", but it also might be Mia Sara from Ferris Bueller, or Elizabeth Shue from, well, any of her movies.

This past season, the 7 Cedars Casino has been advertising during all Mariners games the absolute CHEAPEST sweepstakes of all time. It was called the 7-7-7 sweepstakes. Each game one lucky "winner" was eligible to win 7 grand, if the M's put up 7 runs in the 7th inning. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? How many times this season do you think they paid it out? Well, zero. And only 7 grand? I think the probability-weighted payout for each participant of has got to be in the pennies. Perhaps the cheapest casino ever.

"Baby Dragon" is the most likely winner for Ryan's Halloween costume. Charlotte is now Princess Jazmine.

I need to adjust my favorite teams listing to include the caveat that it's OK to root for Stanfurd if and only if they are playing USC and in beating them Cal will be ranked #2 in the Nation.

Holy crap. Cal is ranked #2 in the NATION (not just California).

I saw that my local 30th anniversary R2-D2 public mailbox has been taken down. Well, just the outside part. Now there is just an awkwardly wide, stupid looking mailbox there.

I just won a fantasy football bet where I get to order two friends to take a tequila shot, four separate times, at ANY point during the Cal - UW game weekend. I think one will come the second they wake up, one with breakfast, one with lunch, and one "terminator" late in the evening. Not too close together... I don't want them to get drunk from them and get any benefit.

Recently my wife told me that I should go to the Cal - UCLA game and enjoy a great party filled weekend in L.A. with the boys. As these "away" weekends are rare and (no offense to the kids) exceptionally fun, I was very excited about this. The next day she checked the calendar and realized that she invited over house guests that weekend... no can go. I felt like Publishers Clearinghouse just bounced a check to me.

YES, I need permission to leave town for a party weekend. You'll understand it when you have kids.

My teams

2007-09-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

Just to be clear, my teams are in order of preference:

1. Cal Football

2. Mariners

3. Seahawks

4. UW

5. Any MLB team playing the Yankees

6. Any other Cal sport, (ie swimming, track and field)

7. Tie: Pac 10 teams I am indifferent on (Oregons, Arizonas, WSU, UCLA)

8. Sharapova, Hantucova, Vaidisova, Kournikova, any other female tennis player ending in “ova” really

9. Chelsea F.C.

10. The US National Soccer team

11. Any other US National team (except the National basketball team)

12. The Seattle Thunderbirds (semi-pro hockey)

13. The Seattle / KC Supersonics

14. Any other NFL team

15. Any team or individual-sport athlete not on this list in any sport, at any level (including NHL)

16. The rest of the NBA

17. The US National basketball team

18. USC

19. Yankees

20. Stanfurd

Paws and Stink

2007-09-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dog Bites, by the numbers:

(Note: I hate "by the numbers" type articles. That said, I hate blogging too, so maybe they cancel each other out)

0 - The number of lawyers CBS has put on Survivor in the 14 seasons (7 years) since Boom Boom sued them following season 1

1 - The number of guys I know that work in a basement / cave

3 - The number of minutes of stand up comedy my family is making everyone perform (on stage, at The Seattle Underground) this Christmas

6 - The number of Those Aren't Pillows posts in August

7 - The number of home runs A-Rod had in the 5 games from 9/4 to 9/9. Boras is going to get this guy $30M a year, no problem

8 - Cal's national rank today. GO BEARS

8 - Number of picks I got right in Week 1 of the "Ultimate Cup" football pick'em pool. Same as a coin. Suck it Trebec

9 - The place my fantasy baseball team will end up this year. @#$*!

15 - The number of losses the Mariners had in the 17-game stretch from August 25th to September 11

15 - The number of Mariner fans left this season that thought we still had a playoff chance on September 12 (note a 40-man roster)

16 - The age Charlotte says she will turn on her third birthday this fall. (same as Ariel)

43 - The number of fake dollars I have made in my first day of trading on "ProTrade.com" where people can invest fake money in sports teams and players. The 43 fake dollars represents a 1-day return of 0.18% or roughly 69% annualized on my $23,000 fake account. In other words, I need to somehow get a life

49 - The number of points Kevbo put up in Week 1 of The Monkey League, fantasy football

58 - The number of points Weaver put up in Week 1 of The Monkey League

63 - The number of points our randomly selected "Monkey Team" put up in Week 1 of The Monkey League

80 - The number of wing flaps a hummingbird has in 1 second

95 - The score (out of 100) that I rated the terribleness of this blog posting. (for perspective, "The Return of Sleep Apnea" got an 85

The Return of Sleep Apnea

2007-09-13T11:36:00.001-07:00

For as long as I can remember, I have been involved in this "Ultimate Cup" football pick'em league. Basically you pay $100 at the beginning of the NFL season, then pick the winner (with the spread) for every NFL game each week, and then 17 weeks later you question the intelligence of wagering $100 basically on 256 coin flips. That said, the league commish is a crazy SOB named Spencer who is exceptionally entertaining in a Sports Guy "unintentional comedy" kind of way. For example, today he just sent out the odds for Week 2 of the NFL, and in the email complained about the return of his severe sleep apnea, and how that has put him on the couch watching sports center, and that's why the picks are out early.

I GUARANTEE you that this is the only NFL pick'em league in America where you will read the words "return of sleep apnea" in the weekly news letter. Isn't this worth the $100 entry fee? You NEVER know what this guy will talk about. Just to put it in perspective, this was like the 50th most random e-mail that Spencer has sent out to roughly 100 people in his league.

And shouldn't the "Return of Sleep Apnea" be on some "Worst Movie Titles of All Time" list? Actually, it does sound like a pretty sweet horror flick, no?

THE RETURN OF SLEEP APNEA

Pleasant dreams.

Halloween Costumes

2007-09-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

With only a month and change left before the big day, it's time to discuss what the kids are going to wear this Halloween. Thankfully Charlotte was very clear that she wanted to be Ariel (from the Little Mermaid) for about the past 2.5 years. Yes, she's about 2.8 now. Her grandma Mary is picking out the costume, and right when she was ordering it, Charlotte HAD to be Snow White. "NOT ARIEL." I am OK with this. The Ariel costumes with the sea shell bras and the fish tails seemed a bit sketchy to me anyway. Thankfully the change was made and the correct costume was ordered, and Charlotte will make a wonderful Snow White. Which surely means her final choice will be Ariel when the day gets closer. Whatever, the girl is taken care of. Now, the boy.

I certainly will NOT allow Ryan to be put in something like a "cute" (read: "lame") Baby Sailor costume that could cause serious damage to his psyche if he sees the pictures later in life. For god's sake, his sister dresses him in tutu's any chance she gets. Let's get a MANLY costume, and at least give the boy the option of not being gay if he so chooses.

Mostly I have seen parents err on the side of WAY TOO CUTE costumes for their babies; which gets you results like "Baby Snowman", "Baby Butterfly" or "Baby Pumpkin" (OK, I have to admit, Charlotte was a pretty cute Baby Pumpkin at age 1, but this is about RYAN. Remember the tutu issue). For another example, see exhibit D: Bjorn,_Baby .

So on to the real options:

I think "Baby Yoda" or "Baby Darth Vader" have REAL potential for Ry-ry. They're tough, and I think would get him some good street cred to bank for use later in life. Just imagine on the playground in a few years... "HEY PUMPKIN, IT'S DARTH. REMEMBER ME?"

Oooh yes.

Baby Gorilla. A true classic. I might have to fight him for this one though. How can you go wrong with a Gorilla costume on Halloween? Even before I really knew Jason Bennett in college, he showed up at a party in a full-on Gorilla costume, and I knew he was all right. This is almost a no brainer.

Unless... is there some way to combine the toughness of a Star Wars Baby Darth / Baby Yoda costume with the classical nature of the Baby Gorilla costume? OH MY GOD, it's so simple. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a WINNER. I present to you: BABY CHEWBACCA. Our work here is done. Now I just have to convince my wife...

Musings of a Dad Man V

2007-08-31T11:44:00.001-07:00

Things I never knew before I had kids (in-depth study):

"Baby Bjorn"

No, Baby Bjorn is not some little Scandinavian boy. It is more like a backpack made for a baby. And I don't mean a mini backpack that your baby can put diapers and sippy cups in to take camping. I mean one that you actually put the baby IN to. Oh, and you wear it on the front so... I don't know, so maybe you can see the baby or not forget your are carrying the baby and accidentally walk the baby into a bar, or go bungee jumping with the baby, or something.

Action Jackson

2007-08-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

Note: the following is an excerpt of T's 2007 Cal Preview that I contributed this year. This Cal Fan favorite annual publication including in-depth player analysis and uncannily accurate game predictions is available now at:
T’s Cal Football Page.

Action Jackson

Junior #1 DeSean Jackson may be the most talented wide received in the NCAA this season. Heck, he most certainly is the most talented punt returner in the country, so that makes him the best at two positions. This season he will be one of the most talked about players at Cal, in the Pac 10, and in the country. At 6’0”, 165 pounds he isn’t the biggest guy you will see catching passes, but he just might be the fastest and most electrifying. He will again be the main weapon in the Bears’ aerial attack, using his 36” vertical leap, 4.3 / 40 speed, and impressive strength, to separate from defenders, make dazzling plays on the football, and get yards after the catch as he did in his first two seasons. He has a chance to score every single time he touches the football.

The Sporting News and Rivals.com have named Jackson the top receiver in the nation going into 2007, and publications from ESPN to www.Sportscrack.com have him in their pre-season all American, and Heisman candidate lists. Do not miss his all-hype website at http://www.the1towatch.com/ as Cal promotes his run at the Heisman.

Jackson led the Bears in 2006 with 59 catches, 1,060 yards, and 9 receiving scores, and was named a starter on the all Pac 10 team last season. He showed several times that he could simply take games over with amazing performances against Minnesota (7 receptions, 114 yards, 3 TD’s), and Arizona (6 receptions, 131 yards, 1 TD), and a memorable Big Game (7 catches for 127 yards). He only once was held to less than three catches (2 receptions against Oregon), and only twice was held to under 50 yards. He could easily surpass these amazing stats in 2007 with another year of maturity and experience under his belt.

Oh, and you will have to read about his punt returning abilities in the special teams section of this preview. All I will say here is that he scored on almost 20% of his returns last season, so expect him to get the “Deltha O’Neal” treatment quite often as kickers aim for the sidelines to try to not get burned.

One thing you do not want to miss this year is every single time DeSean touches the football. He is a one-man thrill ride, or as ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit said. "If there's one guy, when the ball is in his hands that you hold your breath on, it's DeSean Jackson. He's the greatest playmaker in college football."

Buckle up Cal fans, this is going to be fun.

Draft Analysis

2007-08-31T10:20:00.000-07:00

NBA fantasy draft analyst Slim Shady looked over our WvW fantasy draft (see post below) and made the following assesment:

On the draft, I like your top 5 over his top 5. Hopefully, you are only playing 5 on 5. After that, you got a little loose. The Durant pick is crazy. Odom too. By the way, you know Rashard Lewis is no longer on the Sonics, right?

Editor's note: no, he did not remember that Rashard Lewis was no longer a Sonic.

Mono y Mono

2007-08-30T14:20:00.001-07:00

Every year or two the "annual" Wood vs Whiting one-on-one fantasy NBA draft takes place. It's like the "And 1" version of a real NBA fantasy draft. The rules are simple, the draft always takes place at Shanghai Kelly's, in San Francisco, and no newspaper or other "research" crap is allowed. The real genius of this draft (and by "real genius", I mean "pure idiocy") is three-fold:

(1) Neither of us follow the NBA;
(2) We both hate the NBA; and
(3) 1-on-1 fantasy leagues are completely ridiculous.

We are usually decently over-served by the time we finally meet at the bar, acquire a pen and a napkin, and actually complete the naming of 15 real NBA players. Three years ago after perhaps our longest and drunkest drafts, the waitress erased our entire effort by spilling a drink on our napkin, and then declared "oh no, I have ruined your little game." That pretty much sums up how cool this draft is.

This season we were both back in SF, and found the appropriate time to start drinking, and whip up a little NBA draft (3pm on Saturday). So without further ado, here are the results of the 2007 Wood v. Whiting one-on-one Fantasy NBA Draft (actual picture of napkin above, click to zoom):

JW's Team

T. Duncan

A. Stoudamire

K. Bryant

S. Nash (too early for a 1-on-1 draft, yes?)

C. Anthony (How the hell did I forget about Carmelo?)

M. Redd (it's like he knew what he was doing here)

P. Pierce (I was supposed to draft him)

D. Howard (terrible, just terrible)

J. Kidd (can NOT fault taking a Bear)

C. Paul (who?)

T. McGrady (how the hell did T.Mac last this long?)

A. Jefferson

R. Artest

J. O'Neal (not a bad last pick)

MW's Team

L. James

Dirk N.

S. Marion

K. Garnett (had to get all good Boston Players)

G. Arenas

Y. Ming (terrible pick. Only player I could think of at the time)

Ray Ray Allen (see Garnett, K.)

K. Durant (ka-BOOOM!)

B. Davis

D. Wade (actually a good pick here)

L. Odom (you're f-ing kidding me)

R. Lewis (apparently he doesn't play for the Sonics anymore)

C. Boozer (appropriate for a bar-draft)

Kirilenko

P. Gasol (Bartender's suggestion, I was done)

We Can't Roast The Beckbro

2007-08-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

Or 90 thing’s I won’t mention at Dan’s Toast
(sung to the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel)
By Matthew H. Wood

Hamburgler, Royal Oak, Big Game, Admiral Toke
Lucky Penny, Dirty Harry, burried in the snow

Old Caddies, Ben Acosta, Foos Ball, Chip 'n salsa,
Mud fight, kahlua night, 1282 Vallejo

Mona Loa, Keg stand, he's talking with a homeless man
Shitter candle, New Orleans, Luggage rack Tacklings

Blue Light, Left fist fights, too many invites
Viking helmut, Kitty game, Ares has attacked again

We can't roast the Beck Bro
It's his wedding night
He might try to fight me
We can't roast the Beck Bro
Some things said are too rough
I'll just say the good stuff

West portal, hardwood shoes, waking neighbors, sushi groove
Dar Bar. Yukka Jar. handcuffed to the keg.

Casinos, Broken Nose, Vegas Corporation Woes
Breaking chairs, shotgun beers, Pres of Delta Sig

Beer Stein, Pete Dehn, Walter’s on a Bowling team
North Systems, Visaline, parties with Crab and Wine

City Tavern, Shaved Chest, Shanghai Kelly's, Eastside West
Big game arrest, what else can I roof test?

We can't roast the Beck Bro
It's his wedding night
He might try to fight me
We can't roast the Beck Bro
Some things said are too rough
I'll just say the good stuff

Triple rock, viking braids, pounding chili, Conclaves
4am Unreal Tourney, Bitter's got the day bed burning

Slosh Ball, Bowles Hall, California baseball
Another brawl, Sailors ball, UK Pub Crawl

Buddy system, Raleigh's, Brak's monkey, Henry's
Izzy Steaks, Tahoe Lakes, Do they card at Larry Blakes

Reverse Sneak, Broken chairs, Hell week, Bear's lair
Roomie Bente, Self Haze, San Clemente Mayor's Race

We can't roast the Beck Bro
It's his wedding night
He might try to fight me
We can't roast the Beck Bro
Some things said are too rough
I'll just say the good stuff

Palmfron-throwing early dawn, sparrow stories drawing yawns
Beer Pong, King Dong, Ares is in ECON

Spring Break, Rosarita, upsidedown margarita
SF Walkabouts, burning tree wont go out

Go Carts, Bingo pix, winter heat cabin wrecks
A BEST MAN SPEECH IN TWO WEEKS, or else Beck is gonna FREAK!

Real Men of Genius

2007-08-11T14:52:00.000-07:00

I recently orchestrated a bachelor party for a good friend, we'll call him Wreckbro. During the 3-day event, Wreckbro had to complete some pretty impressive tasks in order to leave the weekend shame free. Among such events was a swim through the icy waters of puget sound, building a bench, taking the picture of a deer or other animal, and so on. One of the events though did stand out; it was called the "Real Men of Genius" challenge. The rules were simple: you sit at a table, and drink one itsy bitsy 3-oz beer for every song that was played on a CD. The CD used contains (almost) all 68 Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercials, each of which lasts for approximately 1 minute.

That's right.

"Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius. (Reeal men of genius...) Today we salute YOU Mr. 80-SPF Sunblock Wearer (Mr. 80-SPF Sunblock Wearer). There are 24 hours in a day, but you have 80-hour protection..."

and drink... but before you know it...

"Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius. (Reeal men of genius...) Today we salute YOU Mr. Bass Plaque Maker (Mr. Bass Plaque Maker)..."

and drink... and right then...

"Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius. (Reeal men of genius...) Today we salute YOU Mr. Foot Long Hotdog Inventor (Mr. Foot Long Hotdog Inventor )..."

The idea is simple enough. The trouble is that 3 oz beers (say 33% air and foam), one per minute, for 68 minutes, is about 11 beers over the course of an hour and change. It's like 100's Club (100 oz of beer or 8 beers in 100 minutes) but, well, more genius.

I give you, the real Real Men of Genius.

The Adam Jones Experiment

2007-08-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

The M's are walking a tightrope here... and it looks like under that tightrope is a pool of molten lava, with molten-lava-resistant piranha swimming around in it.

We just beat the Angels our biggest game in four years; a grueling 12-inning bloodbath that will certainly fire up the players and fans. As JJ Putz put it, "A win's a win. And I think this one's bigger than a lot of the other ones." It's tough to argue with logic like that, no?

We now sit three games out of first, and a half back in the wild card race. And thankfully, finally, new manager John McLaren just announced that Adam "Superman" Jones is being called up from AAA to bash the ball for the M's. With Raul and Richie just basically sucking, the timing of Superman's arrival could not be better.

Or could it?

You know Jose Guillen, right? My buddy Doug who has interviewed Guillen many times back in the his Angels beat writer days, predicted that it's only a matter of time until this crazy SOB explodes. He's a player, but he lacks that filter most people and certainly most ball players have that stop you right before you do or say something absolutely stupid.

Well, Jose apparently is NOT a fan of the Adam Jones call up. In Jose's words:

"I just hope they understand this is not Triple-A, this is the big leagues. I don't know what they're trying to do. I hope they don't do something stupid to mess with the lineup that we have. Because I believe we have a pretty good one.''
"I'm pissed"

Tick... tick... tick... Ahh yes, the fuse has been lit. And yes, I just used both a time bomb and a fuse bomb analogy together. McLaren really HAD to make this move, but holy crap is it ballsy. Adam Jones might show up and just eat up MLB pitching, or Jose Gillen might just eat Adam Jones. At least the final third of the season will prove interesting.

Seattle's Day of Silence

2007-07-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

It's July 31. Today in baseball land is know annually as the Major League Baseball Trade Deadline. It's when playoff contenders find the missing ingrediant for their championships. It's when losing teams shed their hefty veteran contracts, and trade for younger, cheaper lottery tickets that may save their futures. Teams run well will use this day to do something to better themselves. We in Seattle traditionally celebrate this day as those in Bali celebrate their New Year, by doing nothing.

New Year's Day in Bali is called "Nyepi Day", the Balinese day of Silence, which falls on the day following the dark moon of the spring equinox (obviously), and opens a new year of the Saka Hindu era. On Nyepi, people do nothing. Not even speak. It is a symbolic day showing one's control over themselves and the forces in the world. Nyepi is meant to be a day of self introspection to decide on values, humanity, love, patience, kindness, that should kept forever.

I was in Bali about eight years ago on Nyepi. We were left boxed meals at our hotel in the morning, and told not to leave the premises. We sat by the pool and saw NO ONE all day. People are urged to not even play their radios loudly. It wasn't an eerie silence, like in a horror flick right before the tourists get hacked to pieced with a chain saw, but a peaceful silence. Bali oozes a wonderful Hindu peacefulness on most days, but on Nyepi, it is truly magical.

Bali is the only place on the planet where Nyepi is celebrated, and it truly makes them special. So today in Seattle I urge you, do not get angry on this day of nothingness, when others may be celebrating. Take this chance to reflect on how special this day in Seattle has become, and how it makes us unique. A day to simply do nothing. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Baseball Owies

2007-07-31T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that baseball players from other cultures often don't get the public relations side of baseball. Early in the season, Dice-K Matsuzaka (you know him, the overrated $100MM man from Japan?) explained his recent struggles on poor sleeping conditions while on the road.

Matsuzaka told reporters he may have come up with a solution for the next road trip. He did not wish to share it, Japanese reporters said, because he preferred not to have people wondering or imagining how he looked while he slept.

Now all I can do is picture Daisuke in his PJ's. OK, right now, I want you to NOT think about a white elephant. OK, go.

This story reminded me though of the "Fat Pussy Toad" Hideki Irabu who missed a start due to "straining his arm while washing his hair". A side not on Irabu-san. When Steinbrenner called him the "Fat Pussy Toad", the middle word actually rhymed with "fussy", and meant "full of puss", and did NOT refer to the female genetalia.

This was also reminicent of Seattle closer Kazuhiro Sasaki who went on the DL when he strained his neck while carrying his luggage. These guys are just too honorable to lie like their American counterparts who would have strained their neck from "lifting weights" or "being in a bar fight."

These guys should take a lesson from Jeff Kent or Aaron Boone. When you do something stupid, and hurt yourself, think long and hard about your reasons. Talk to your publicist, lawyer, and confidants. There is no room for the honest truth there. No you didn't hurt your knee while trying out your Evil Knievel impersonation on your motorcycle during Spring Training (thus obviously voiding your player contract with the Giants), you accidentally slipped off a step ladder while washing your pickup. And no Aaron, you didn't fall in the shower, you hurt your ankle while playing pickup hoops (thus oviously voiding your player contract. OK, maybe a bad example. At least pickup hoops sounds better).

In all fairness to the men from Nippon though, their stupid sounding injuries probably don't even crack the top 20 in "all time stupid injuries by baseball players" list. Last year Clint Barmes of the Rockies missed half the season for falling while carrying deer meat for god's sake. And, maybe the best, Glenallen Hill of the Bluejays once tumbled out of bed and crashed into a glass table while having a nightmare about being covered in spiders.

Those Aren't Candidates

2007-07-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

[A special thanks to B-logjammin blogger for this scoop]

July 13 (Bloomberg) -- San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom is running for re-election virtually unopposed, more popular than ever, after admitting to having an affair with a top aide's wife and entering an alcohol-treatment program. Newsom, whose approval ratings are running close to 80 percent, said he expects a credible candidate to emerge eventually. So far, challengers include a street-performing clown, a homeless man, an advocate for nudism, and a candidate who pledges to wear a camera so voters can monitor his performance in office.

I'm not sure why the article doesn't just say Gavin is running against "Jason Whiting". It's a bit repetitive the way their story reads now. Speaking of Gavin vs. Whiting, I am SURE Whiting was mistaken for Gavin at some point during his old SF days when he was out in his Lawyer suit. Each are like slightly pudgier versions of the other. It's uncanny.

This (hot) week in Sea Town

2007-07-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

All that whining you heard coming from the Pacific Northwest this week wasn't about Brian Roberts booting a JJ Putz-induced grounder and ruining JJ's All Star Game save opportunity, it was the heat. I have to admit that at 98 Degrees all over the city this week, I was complaining a bit too. When the cave gets above 60, you know things are getting un poco caliente in the out-cave world.

But not to worry everyone, all of those Seattleite tears must have had an impact because we will be back to rain this weekend.

Ichiro Update

Speaking of hot. Holy crap, have you seen what Ichiro is doing this year? Just to make his point, he decided to go 3-3 in the All Star Game (he actually had the AL's first TWO hits of the game, to show not only that he is a good hitter, but also a better hitter than the other All Stars). If that wasn't enough, his third hit was the first inside-the-park Home Run in All Star history. Thank you Ken Griffey Jr. for misplaying his double into a Home Run. Ken, we can hear you loud and clear, you are a Seattle Fan, and you want back. Bavasi, are you listening too?

For his efforts, Ichiro was awarded the All Star MVP award by Bud Selig. Did you hear the post-game award ceremony? Selig was talking to Ichrio slowly and loudly like Ricky's Mom in Better Off Dead talking to the hot French Exchange student, "ICHIRO. YOU WENT 3 FOR 3 (IN CASE YOU CANT FOLLOW AMERICAN SCORING) AND HIT AN INSIDE THE PARK HOME RUN..." I am surprised Bud didn't grab Ichiro's mouth and help him sound the words out as he spoke.

If that wasn't enough HUGE news this week for Ichiro fans, all signs point toward a $100+ Million 5-year contract coming soon for Suzuki San. I have run the numbers people. He is actually worth the $20 million a year.

Speaking of $20 million a year, that's roughly what Rashard will be making ($113 million over 6 years) with the Orlando Magic starting... NOW. This is the next critical step in Same Presti's "Create a TERRIBLE low-cost Sonics team and stockpile lottery pick players to start fresh in Kansas City in 2009" plan. No Ray, no Rashard, no WAY the Kevin Durant era starts well.

On a related note, Scott Boras announced this week that A-Rod will make AT LEAST $30 million per year when he re-signs somewhere. Hell, the desperate Yankees just might give him 150 over 5 years. That wouldn't be out of character at all...

Musings of a Dad Man IV

2007-06-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

Things I never knew before I had kids (in-depth study):

"Breast Pump"

No, it's unfortunately not a new move. I found that out very early on. It's more like the complete opposite of a new move. Picture the torture machine from the "Pit of Despair", but instead of sucking the life out of Wesley, it's sucking the milk from your wife's rack. This is useful for creating an extra supply of milk, or to help the lactation (in depth explanation of this word in a future post) process. I am sorry for the graphic description, but nobody said this would be pretty.

Dog Bites

2007-06-15T12:25:00.001-07:00

A few thoughts:

At the end of the show "24" they say, "In the next hour of 24...", and then I say out loud in the same style voice, "THE BAUR HOUR!" Try it, it's a good time.

The amount of human feces in my garbage has increase a lot since I've had kids.

I am playing in a second fantasy baseball league this year, outside of my traditional "These are the Jokes" league that I have played with "friends" for many years. My new team is MUCH better looking, and I really enjoy spending time with it. My old team is starting to seem tired, it's not performing, and I get easily frustrated with it. I find myself screaming at it, even when I know the problem is me, not the old team. There are times when I am spending time with the new team when I really know I should be with my old team. I am a fantasy baseball adulterer.

What number is higher: The number of blog posts in the past month of Kark Hungus' "B-Logjammin" PLUS "Those Aren't Pillows", OR the number of times a hummingbird flaps it's wings in a second divided by 80 (rounded to the nearest whole number)?

The top songs ever made that somehow genetically force a person to sway their beer back and forth are: Piano Man, Sweet Caroline, and Margharittaville. Yet these songs are impossible to dance to. I guess you'd have to add "The Beer Barrel Polka" and any other Irish drinking song to this list.

The Yahoo CEO just made $70 million last year. Note to self, go back in time to 2000 and don't work for Bidcom.com. Consider your other options.

Those Aren't Pillow's blog has "Hump Day Ramblings" which is a clever name considering his swinging single life, but it really should be called "Pillow Talk".

Thoughts on working in a cave

2007-06-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah that's right. I work in a basement. But I only call it that because... well, I work below the main floor of my house, it's freezing down here, and there is no natural light. It's actually more like a cave. A cave with the Internet.

A few things are nice about workign in a cave below my house, like I don't have to succumb to the social pressures of fashion, or hygiene. In other words, I don't shower or dress most mornings, or afternoons, or most days ending in "y". I am but a simple cave man, to quote one of the greats.

Last week my 2.5-year-old pointed at me after I emerged from the cave and said "Daddy has a beard!" She knows the word "beard"? Fortunately, I don't think she meant that in a Katie Holmes kind of way, but more of a comment on my grooming and cleanliness of the moment. Hey, it was nicer than pointing at me and saying "Daddy smells like a hobo" or something, which she also could have said. She might know the word "hobo".

I do thouhg have this nice detachment from the out-cave world. Hell, I don't even know what the weather is outside most of the time except for this icon I set up on my explorer toolbar. This past NFL season I had our Seahchickens on the TV while I was working down here on Monday night, and the whole story on MNF was the snow storm absolutely blanketing Seattle. "Holy s#!t! It's snowing" I thought, and ran upstairs to see.

Oh, another benefit is that I can have the TV on at work. That's a plus. Oh, and fantasy sports on the computer screen, and music, and maybe even get a workout in some months. Oh yeah, this cave has an elliptical. Nice caves these days.

Somehow I have managed to pull this off for two years and still be considered a fully functioning member of our little company... let's call us "Scmoculous Innovative Sciences, Inc." to keep things anonymous. To be fair, I do work my a$$ off for these guys, but sometimes I just do it with the M's on the radio. Hey I even closed our recent Pen Deal, and stock was up a little, so that keeps me legit for another few months:

Drug Enhancement Company of America Licenses SchmOculous' Microcyn(R) Technology for Use in First Responder ''Pen-Like'' Applicator

So the anonymity didn't last too long. Oh well. But don't go looking here for inside information on Schmoculous because, well, I hate the idea of jail. Dudes would use a guy like me as currency in the po po... and even if I did slip up and say something, our volume is so low WE COULD SEE YOU TRADING ON THE INFO. So don't try.

And it looks like I'm talking to nobody... time to leave the cave.

Musings of a Dad Man III

2007-06-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

A good thing to remember is that if your baby is crying, there is usually a reason for it. Now I know this seems obvious, but I think some people stress out when their child is crying because they feel powerless to help them at times. Well, stress no longer. I have created a list of reasons your child may be crying, and I even created a helpful mnemonic device to ensure that you can remember the reasons, even in the most trying of times. So the next time your baby cries, don't fret, just go through this list and try out my suggested remedy (followed in parenthesis):

Yawn (Your baby is tired. Put them to bed)
Over-stimulated (Mellow them out. Stop playing with them)
Under-stimulated (Bored. Entertain them)
Ravenous (Hungry. Feed them)
Envy (they want something, like a toy. Give them the damn toy)

Fiery (hot. take off their jacket)
Urine (or "pee". Change diaper)
Cold (put them in more clothes, or close the window if it's winter)
Ka-ka (or "poop". Change diaper)
Evil (you're baby just might be evil and cries a lot)
Dehydrated (or "thirsty". Give them liquids)

Welcom to Fenway Stray-Rod

2007-06-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

Boston fans had the appropriate greeting for Stray Rod this weekend, dressing up apparently as "Mystery Blond Strippers from Toronto". I don't think he was rattled too much though as he hit a game winning home run off Papelbon in the ninth inning last night.

OK Rod, enough

2007-06-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought Alex was trying to fix his image of being a goody-too-shoe-whiney-little biatch that everyone hates, he goes out the very next day and yells "I GOT IT I GOT IT" while taking third on an infield pop-up with two outs in the ninth. Poor ole' Howie Clark was playing his first game of the season (filling in for Troy Glaus yesterday) and thought his shortstop was calling him off. When the ball hit the groud, A-Fraud easily rounded second, took third, and scored on the next play. Like the night before with the Canadian stripper, he has shown a willingness to do almost anything to get to third base, and score.

Obviously Howie should have caught the ball, and in no way was this an illegal play, but cheating, drinking, fired up Stray-Rod shouldn't need this kind of crap. This is more in line with when he tried to slap the ball out Arroyo's hand in the ALCS without anyone noticing. This is WHY EVERYONE HATES YOU Alex. What is your problem?

Oh man is Cynthia going to be PISSED

2007-05-31T12:24:00.001-07:00

You have all probably heard about my least favorite ball player (maybe bad phrase here) getting caught last night "hitting a home run" with a Canadian stripper after losing to the Blue Jays. If not, you can read about it here. I mean after a tough loss, who doesn't go out for a nice steak with a few friends, throw back a drink or two, hit a strip club, and then invite one of the ladies back to discuss his hitting slump? It really could be the case, look at the lady's arms! Shouldn't SHE be hitting clean-up for the Yanks? Wait, maybe SHE is dragging HIM back to her hotel room? Do you think he could stop her?

Now, I don't condone this type of behavior from a married man and the poor guy may lose his hotty wife Cynthia because of this (shown below with Alex and, um, Regis Philbin), but this may be the best thing to ever happen to this poor slugger.

What Alex needs is a shake up in his pretty boy persona. Something the New York fans can cling to when he goes through his annual slumps. What could be better than A-Rod getting divorced, exceptionally bitter, maybe throw in a drinking problem, and then hitting the NY singles scene like it's a hanging curve? Maybe he and Jeter really will reconcile and become the best 1-2 wingman combo in history. If this happens, I may just have to take him off my list of players who I would enjoy pushing into an under-fed crocodile pit during mating season.

If this happens A-Rod will be fine, his wife will be fine, and even their 2 1/2 year old kid will be fine. I am guessing that Day-Care-Rod has a worse Father Of The Year score than I do, so what's the downside here?

You learn something every day

2007-05-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

We got back our reupholstered sofa today, which looks awesome. It really does. And I learned some really cool trivia too along the way:

What do you think costs more?

(a) Reupholstering your sofa
(b) Buying a nice NEW sofa
(c) Buying three nice new sofas
(d) Making a bonfire of $100 bills to heat a village for a fortnight in the dead of winter

Text your answer to ###EAD.

This week in Sea Town

2007-05-24T15:56:00.001-07:00

This could have been one of the best weeks EVER for the city of Seattle.

Yes, we notched yet ANOTHER world championship on Tuesday. We now have something else to put in the cabinet next to the 1979 Sonics Trophy:

Oh no? Ooooh yeah. Two-time Olympic gold medalist and Seattle Native Anton OHNO takes home ANOTHER gold by winning Dancing With the Stars this week! You would think that this in itself would qualify this as the best week ever in Sea Town, but there's more:

On Wednesday, the Seattle area phenom Blake the Beat Boxer showed class in taking second in this season's AMERICAN IDOL! Trust me, he'll sell more records than ole big lungs there anyway. But that's not ALL!

A bunch of ping pong balls and maybe a little David Stern magic gave the struggling franchise Supersonics the second overall pick in the upcoming NBA Draft! It's not the Greg Oden pick, but it IS the Kevin Durant pick, and THAT my friends is something that will make the citizens of Oklahoma City VERY happy some day. Actually, it's unlikely events like this that might just snowball together and save our little NBA team in this town.

And on top of ALL of this... drum roll please...

Richie Sexson had a base hit with runners in scoring position. Like I said, BEST WEEK EVER.

F.O.T.Y.

2007-05-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

So if there was a Father of the year award given, and it was based on a tally of this year's points, I think my year-to-date score would look something like:

F.O.T.Y. Scoreboard:

Took both kids to the aquarium (+ 5 points)
Didn't notice Ry had a full diaper a few weeks ago (- 3 points)
Made up a song for Charlotte that she really liked (+ 2 points)
Clean up the dishes most days (+ 10 points)
Let Kara sleep in on Mother's day (push)
Wash bottles most days (+5 points)
Threw up the morning after St. Patrick's day (-10,000 points)
Change about 2.2 diapers a day on average (+8 points)
Attended a 1-hour lecture on "potty training" (+ 100 points)

Total points to date: -9,873

I will keep you posted.

Musings of a Dad Man II

2007-05-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Things I never knew before I had kids (in-depth study):

"Burp Cloth"

A burp cloth is a piece of fabric that is approximately 6 inches wide and 1 foot long. These are almost always on hand for about the first 12 months of a baby's existence to wipe up their "burps". Babies pretty much leak all the time. As a parent, you have to stop them up with things like burp cloths and diapers to avoid them staining the furniture. I think the word "Burp Cloth" was used because it sounds a load better than "Vomit Cloth".

Happy 30 Darth

2007-05-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

Star Wars turns 30 this year, which must mean I turn a little more than 30. I thought my family had the biggest star wars fans that I knew of. The movies always opened on my older bro's birthday, on May 25th and mom took us out of school for the openings of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. I have to say though that buddy "Bo" is the only person I know, other than maybe George Lucas, who has been to the openings of all SIX star wars movies, PLUS the re-releases of IV, V, and VI. Just exceptional work. This anniversary is a good reminder that these films were and are a HUGE deal to many people.

In celebration of turning 30, people are doing some pretty cool things:

A hot air balloon in the shape of Darth Vader's helmet takes off on its maiden flight during a hot air balloon festival in Ceroux, Belgium, May 17, 2007. (AP)

The US Postal Service has created an entire line of R2D2 Mail Boxes. There is one up the street from me, and it's awesome. Though it doesn't really look like a mail box and I suspect that it's not used very much. The USPS has also made this celebration legit by creating a line of stamps, and obviously the web site USPSJediMaster.com.

Musings of a Dad Man I

2007-05-20T16:47:00.000-07:00

I have had a few kids over the past 2.5 years (OK, 2 kids to be exact) and I have learned a few things. I know a few of my friends have recently had, are soon to have, or may be planning on having some kids of their own. So as a gift to these lucky future dads, I am going to pass on my extremely insightful wisdom to help you through you journey ahead. Now if only any of them read my blog... oh well. For everyone else who probably doesn't give a rats ass, here are the key things that I learned about being a dad to a baby, or two:

- Babies are a lot like hobbits. They are small and eat like 7 times a day

- You will need to learn an entirely new vocabulary. There were words I never new existed 3 years ago. For example: Burp cloth, Dreft, breast pump, Baby Bjorn, and lactation consultant.

- Babies are also a lot like puppies. They will pee/poop anywhere, any time, and they don't like watching sports as much as you wish they did.

- I have no idea why, but girls seem to like puppies, bunnies, ferries, princesses, and wearing dresses. Boys seem to also like puppies, and beating on things.

- There was something about sleep I was going to mention, but I am too damn tired to remember it right now.

- Your wife will go totally ape shit insane during pregnancy. Don't blame them, it's the hormones and sleep deprivation. I have no idea if they ever get better.

- Like the NBA season, babies are pretty useless for 6 months. After that, they can be very entertaining, and worth watching.

- Kids really really really really really really really really really really really dig Christmas.

If you just know these simple things, well, you just might... ummm... carry on exactly as your were.

Wood Times

2007-05-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

Having a last name of "Wood" can lead to some funny things that you might not consider. My brother Nate was told every work day when he walked into the office "Morning Wood" by a co-worker, who never knew how funny it was.

I wanted to name our daughter "Leia" after the princess in Star Wars, but you just can NOT name a girl "Leia Wood", it's just awful.

"Tucker" was on our list of names for our son, but uncle John pointed out that "Tuck Wood" is a deal killer.

I told a co-worker the last two dilemmas of naming our kids, and he said, "yeah, that would be like naming your son Richard! DICK WOOD! HA HA HA."

Richard is my Dad's name, and is affectionately called Dick by family and friends.

Our beach cabin on Whidbey Island is called the Drift Wood Inn... Very clever by Grandpa Amos who named the cabin in 1977. The little cabin next door is now known as the Famous Amos Hideaway, and was built by my great grandfather in 1930. Ironically both cabins are made out of wood. (ok, that was dumb, give me a break)

My bro's family blog is called "Wood Times", and my family blog is an obvious rip off called "Woody Times".

I was called Woody by friends in college so often that many friends I considered close had NO idea what me real name was. One asked me once how I got the name "Woody" and I said my last name was "Wood" and he looked at me blankly and said "Woody Wood"? Man, dumb people make the world so much more entertaining.

Speaking of dumb people, a guy named Rick in my fraternity called me "Balsa" becuase I "was soft".

Yippe-ka-wasted

2007-05-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

I love the trend of famous dudes showing up hammered on video / TV. Kuddos to Bruce for being curbed enough to swear on TV, and HUGE props to the HOFF for being so over-served that his lawyer had to make a statement the following day.

I mean Bruce is drunk enough to claim that his new Die Hard movie will be better than the first... (Click here to see Bruce) But The HOFF just takes it to a whole new level:

Mexico

2007-05-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Wow, Bingo LOVES Mexico.

[Warning, blatant Bingo Web Page advertisement follows]

Click here for more pictures of Bingo in Mexico.

Cal Pole Vault Recruiting News

2007-05-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if this is accurate, I choose to believe it to be so, but per my friend (we'll call him...) Perks, per his buddy whom I have no idea his name, this fine athlete just signed a letter of intent to join the Cal track team next year.

GO BEARS!

She is supposed to be a great vaulter and a valued asset to the team. Great work Cal recruiting.

I now finally understand why my friend Obnoxio has visited Stanfurd for Track and Field events with his girlfriend. I didn't get it until now, but I believe he has been planting the seed to puchase season tickets to Cal Track and Field next season. It may be the most cunning move I have ever seen. Most impressive.

D-Jacked Up

2007-05-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

Did I read this right that the SheHawks traded away D-Jack to the F-ing Niners for... a FOURTH ROUND DRAFT PICK? WTF? D-Jack is our best receiver, I don't get it. And inside the division? Was a fourth rounder really the best offer they could get? The only way this makes sense to me is if it's announced that Tim Ruskell has handed over personnel decisions to Bill Bavasi. This has the same feeling of reading "Horacio Ramirez for Rafael Soriano" or "Jeff Weaver for $8.0 million, Yes, THAT Weaver, the BAD one". Rafael is now the closer for Atlanta, and I have no idea why I don't have him on my fantasy team. And ole Jeff is maybe one more inning (assuming he can get through an entire one) from being the wost pitcher on the Tacoma Rainiers.

Although the Sea Chickens DID make up for all that crap by drafting #52 Brandon Mebane in the third round. Hot damn, now THAT was a good move boys. GO BEARS.

The Worst Damn Sports GBLOG Period

2007-04-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

In an effort to utterly confuse Kark Hungus, Those Aren't Pillows and The Wood Dog Blog agreed to post a running Game Blog of the Ichrio vs. Dice-K baseball game (on 4/11) that was hyped by ESPN and MLB all week. He is a Red Sox fan, I am a Mariner fan, so this made sense.
As the following email exchange shows, we agreed to start our gblogs at 3:45 for a 4:05 first pitch:

From: [Wood Dog]
Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2007 3:56 PM
To: [Those Aren't Pillows Guy]
Subject: Glog
So when do we start our game blogs? 4:05pm first pitch? Or 3:45? If it’s 3:45 then I can include this email as part of the log. I hate the term “glog” by the way for “game log”. I am going to use “GBLOG”.

--------------------
From: [Those Aren't Pillows Guy]
Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2007 3:56 PM
To: [Wood Dog]
Subject: Re: Glog

I would include this email in your GBlog if I were you. I'm still going to glog.That was I can start a subsite called Glogjammin.
--------------------

And so it began.

3:50 - I throw on ESPN II looking for some pregame. Yes, I work from home, in my basement, and I have the luxury to at times throw on the television during an important event and "work" with the game, err, event on in "the background". It never affects my work production in the slightest. [Editor's note: he is writing up this blog a week later on Thursday at 4:10pm, with no hint of work being done]. So I throw on The Deuce 15 minutes before game time and there is a sweet looking show called "NASCAR NOW". Oh, by "sweet" I mean "ridiculous". The two guys on the show are talking about the "Texas Bump" which I have to think is a NASCAR term that, like all NASCAR terms, is stupid. Then I realized what was really shocking me about the show. The two guys on the show were black, and then MY GOD, they brought on a WOMAN to discuss the sport too. Isn't NASCAR a "Redneck's Only" sport? Was I wrong about NASCAR? I realize that I don't care enough to look into this.

4:05 First Pitch. Ichiro is batting .111 this season. Dice-K is SOOO overrated. I don't think this is going to be the epic battle the fans from Japan were hoping for. Ichiro K's.

Did you know that Ichiro has a TV show back in Japan that he records during the off season? It's called "Ichiro Versus" and is supposedly an intellectual game show that, like all shows broadcast in Japan, has no real comparison in the U.S. I'm not sure if people realize how huge this guy is over there. He is like if Brad Pitt was also one of top players in the NFL big. When he came to Seattle, there was a $1 millon bounty offered by a Japanese tabloid for a naked picture of the guy. That's big.

"Ichiro Versus"

4:30 Grandparents are coming over for Chinese food, so I make the order. It's a strong order.

5:00 I go upstairs to let the grandparents in. Felix is pitching lights out. Oh yeah, not mentioned by ESPN is this "Felix Hernandez" guy who might be the best pitcther in the A.L.

6:30 I get a score update on the TV and realize Felix has pitched SEVEN no-hit innings. Gran' Lloyd is a huge M's fan, so I put my laptop on the dinning room table and tune in via slingbox. This is exciting. We are stoked.

6:40 The first batter we see dribbles one through the middle for a base hit. Somehow we totally jinxed it. Felix goes on to 1-hit one of the best lineups in baseball, in their dojo. Dice-K gets the loss, and Ichiro goes 0-4. ONE DAMN HIT. A dribbler through the middle is the difference in pitching a gem, and history. Oh well. The mu-shu was fantastic though.

Pay Rod

2007-04-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Alex Rodriguez will forever be on my list of baseball players I would rather see flattened by a steamroller, so I can better pogo-stick on their body, than see live a long happy life. Damn this guy though if he is not trying to win me over like he's won back the thousands of fickle Yankee Fans who would take him over Jeter in a heartbeat right now. Pay-Rod is on my fantasy team this year. Now, he was not supposed to be there at the 10th overall pick, but there he was, smiling his perfectly orthodontured smile, f-ing up the plan.

I wanted to draft Miguel Cabrera. He plays third base too, and he's younger, supposedly has more potential, and well, isn't A-Rod. I like Miguel Cabrera. He was the best player on my team last year. He is everything that is good in baseball. Miguel is Obiwan, and Alex is Darth. But there he was where he should not have been. Mr. $255 Million, available with the 10th overall draft pick. I just knew this was his swan song, his last attempt to totally screw with my life.

So what does he do? 14 games into the season he's hit 10 home runs, making A.L. history, has 26 RBIs, and is by FAR the best player in baseball, no question. And this doesn't even stress how CLUTCH his hitting has been. Like last night for example. Are you kidding me?

You can also tell that these are not "Chris Shelton" home runs (Chris is on the list too). You can see this performance continuing through the season. He has that same pretty, perfect swing he's always had (everything about A-Hole is "pretty", isn't it? I think that's why New Yorkers try to hate him so much), and he hits in the middle of the best lineup perhaps ever put together in baseball. Now I know he wont have 100 home runs and 300 RBI's this season, I mean, that would be silly. Right? (insert nervous laugh) But what if he wins this fantasy baseball season for me? What do I do? The pillars of my world are shaking.

Passover and Out

2007-04-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

If you are feeling really well rested after this past Easter weekend, then you don't have a 2.5 year old. Overall, it was actually a very fun weekend, but this video pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

After three egg hunts I did come away wiser, as well as exhausted. I learned some things like don't EVER go to one of those public Easter egg hunts open to the general masses. Holy Christ on an egg. We went to the Seattle Woodland Park Zoo for their annual Easter egg hunt. Charlotte LOVES the Zoo, and it sounded pretty cool. Pet some bunnies, egg hunts, and arts and crafts... and hey, if we got bored, we could always go look at those poor bastard animals stuck in cages.

We drive up about 30 minutes before opening, along with hundreds of other families. I almost got in a fight with another dad who was actually cutting in line. CUTTING IN LINE AT THE FU#&ING Zoo?

"Dude, see that line?" (I point to the 500 or so people behind me)

Dude doesn't listen, and he tells the official Zoo Line Guy who could care less, "Hey, we are ZOO MEMBERS, and we are NOT happy about this line." I guess he figures his $40 a year membership fee bought him the right to be a prick to innocent Zoo Line Guys too.

"I am pretty sure we are ALL Zoo members, Dude." (I point to the 500 or so people behind me again). I was certain this was not a B.S.D. Zoo donor guy who had his name engraved on the carousel or anything, like he was implying through his air of entitlement. If you are cool or important enough to be above lines, you don't tend to get stuck in them, do you?

Dude looks at me, looks a the Zoo Line Guy, grimaces, puts head down, and continues to walk his family up to the next open admission window. "Good work honey," his lame yet supportive wife tells him.

At that point, I realize that this was Easter, I was with my kids, and this was supposed to be fun. I was not drunk, playing pool at the Savoy... I let it go. Later we saw the same dad trying to line up a picture of his kids, this was like a military mission for him "Suzy, you will STAND HERE. GUY you will SIT HERE, because you are too young to STAND. NOW SMILE!" I was sure that his kids and he were going to live out their next 18 years in misery, or sooner when the kids run away from home. This made me smile.

Inside the Zoo was no better than the lines outside. It was chaos. The toddlers were fenced in and fed plastic eggs by the garbage can full. The older kids hunted eggs in a HUGE arena set up like an equestrian ring, and did it to a CRANKED UP "Jock Jams" sound track. "ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?"

This one day, I think the lions look out of their cages and think "Fu#k, it looks dangerous out there. I hope these cages are secure."

Charlotte looks at the fenced in kids, and the patrolling giant duck, confused.

The Big Cat

2007-04-04T14:46:00.001-07:00

There is a list of baseball players that I dislike. I keep this list of players locked away in the dark part of my brain. Now, I don't really hate them in real life, I guess, as I am sure that they are good people and all. I just can not necessarily guarantee that if I came across them in an abandoned fully functioning saw mill and they were chained to one of the logs about to go through that I would FOR SURE hit the "emergency stop" button on the wall.

Usually the guys on this list either screwed up the Mariners in real life (THAT part of the list is long, storied, and usually starts with Alex Rodriguez and includes a lot of other Yankees and Oakland A's, though it's tough to really hate the A's...) or they screwed up my fantasy baseball team either by being terrible for me, or being good for my arch rivals. My arch rivals have won a majority of titles in our league, and are managed by two guys I will again affectionately refer to as "Slim" and "Obnoxio".

In 2005, our fantasy league came down to the final week between A Damn Penguin Car (this was my team, and you can click here for the story of this team name) and the Moron Twins (Slim and Obnoxio's team). Entirely as a fill-in for another injured player (Cliff Floyd?), the Moron Twins picked up Frank Catalanotto for the last week or two of the season, and probably thought nothing of it. But as the holy gleaming smile of God Himself shines on these moron twins, Frank "The Big Cat" Catalanotto finished the 2005 season on an absolute TEAR. That final week of the season he hits .500, picks up an "AL player of the Week" and pushes the Moron Twins to another title. Good for him. Good for them. Frank "The Big Pussy" Catalanotto is forever on my list. I wouldn't go playing in any abandoned fully functioning saw mills, O.K. FRANK? Great story, right?

Oh no. That was but the prologue.

Recently, I finally got around to shipping Obnoxio his 2006 CBS Sportsline Fantasy Baseball Trophy (which I had thoughtfully wrapped in an old pair of my tighty whities for him) and just a few days later I received a package in return. It was addressed from Moron Twins HQ. And inside, there it was. Carefully placed in a crappy, light brown, faux-wood frame, was a printout of the 2005 "These are the Jokes" fantasy baseball league standings. And it's signed. "To Woody. Best Wishes! Frank Catalanotto". Son of a ...

(click the picture for a close-up)

And yes, it's real.

Small Cans?

2007-03-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

The only controversy in the 9-9-9 (see prior post) was that Slim drank 16-ounce beers (what was available at the ball park), but counted a "beer" as 12-ounces of beer. So 1 consumed beer = 1 4/12 of a "beer" for the 9-9-9 challenge. I contacted the geniuses at 999allstar.com for a ruling, and they responded:

------------------
Hi Wood Dog,

The 16oz is ok. The same amount of beer was consumed. The minimum oz of beer would be 108. So he would have to have around 7 beers to complete the 999 challenge.

Thanks and Congrats!

Mitch

------------------

Excellent. It's official. Now I just have to register slim on the 999allstar hall of fame, and get that guy the t-shirt.

"NO NO NO"

2007-03-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

NO BEER ON THE BAR TASTES BETTER THAN OLY HAVE AN OLY AND YOU'RE SECOND TO NONE!

Were truer words ever spoken? Or thought? Or sung after shotgunning an Olympia Beer? I think not. Speaking of beer...

Germans love their beer. And do you know what "NO NO NO" is in German? That's right. It's "NEIN NEIN NEIN". And do you know what "NEIN NEIN NEIN!" is in stupid fratese? Glad you asked. It's "9-9-9". And do you know what that is? Well let me tell you.

The 9-9-9 is an inspirational endeavor that one must partake in at or while watching a 9-inning baseball game. During the game, the challenger must successfully drink 9 beers, and eat 9 hotdogs. Like running a marathon, or climbing to the top of Kilimanjaro, I have thought about doing this, and someday I hope I may be lucky enough and skilled enough to actually succeed in doing so.

Last year while at spring training with some friends (we'll call these guys Slim, Bo, Will, and Obnoxio) I made a bet with Slim that the loser in fantasy baseball that year would sponsor a "999" for the winner the following year at spring training. Yes, we are dorks, we know this. Slim and Obnoxio's team came in first, and my team came in second last season, again. And if you are an avid reader of the Wood Dog Blog, you know these guys were back in Arizona last week to take in some baseball, and yes, I was on the hook for as much of a 9-9-9 as Slim could finish. If he dared.

Well, to make a long story medium length, I was phoned about a dozen times through the course of their baseball game, and I'll be damned if Slim didn't complete a 9-9-9. He promptly passed out back at the hotel, putting an exclamation point on the accomplishment.

Slim Shady, I salute you. Please stand up and be recognized.

--------
Mitch Harhay and the other geniuses at 999allstar.com chronicle the heroics of those who have joined this elite fraternity.

Ass Clowns in 'zona

2007-03-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have some friends who are taking in the sun and some spring training baseball in Arizona this weekend. This is an annual trip I usually join them on, but alas, I could not make it this year. Here is one of them, poolside, at a nice resort in Scottsdale. They thought I would like to see what I was missing.

I then took a close look at the upper left of their picture, and I'm starting to wonder just what type of resort they are really staying at... Is that a dude in a banana hammock? And is that another dude checking out the dude in the banana hammock? Man! Are they even going to see any baseball games this weekend? What is really going on???

Testing testing 123

2007-03-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

Ahh, what a wonderful day to be working in a basement... I really should be in Vegas, or Scottsdale.

The Wood Dog Blog

BLOG CLOSED

Moon over my house

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19 - OH CRAP

9-9-9 a-thon

No more yanky my wanky, Donger need Food

Dog Tales

Deja Screw?

Mobile TEST

Cabbage Soup for your Soul

Happy New Year

Day of the EXTREMELY FUNNY and Oppressed Husband

Chivalry is on life support

Those Aren't Writers

Up on the woof

Dare to dream

Christmas Card

Dogg'n It

Poorly Hung

Dog Jamm'n

Dog Bites Pillow

Monkey Collage

Dog Bites

My teams

Paws and Stink

The Return of Sleep Apnea

Halloween Costumes

Musings of a Dad Man V

Action Jackson

Draft Analysis

Mono y Mono

SPONSORED POST

We Can't Roast The Beckbro

Real Men of Genius

The Adam Jones Experiment

Seattle's Day of Silence

Baseball Owies

Those Aren't Candidates

This (hot) week in Sea Town

Musings of a Dad Man IV

Dog Bites

Thoughts on working in a cave

Musings of a Dad Man III

Welcom to Fenway Stray-Rod

OK Rod, enough

Oh man is Cynthia going to be PISSED

You learn something every day

This week in Sea Town

F.O.T.Y.

Musings of a Dad Man II

Happy 30 Darth

Musings of a Dad Man I

Wood Times

Yippe-ka-wasted

Mexico

Cal Pole Vault Recruiting News

D-Jacked Up

The Worst Damn Sports GBLOG Period

Pay Rod

Passover and Out

The Big Cat

Small Cans?

"NO NO NO"

Ass Clowns in 'zona

Testing testing 123